"Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right..."

What a WEEK this has been. Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing well out there in BlogVille(tm). It's been "one of those weeks." Luckily for me, it ended today (I'm taking a l-o-o-o-o-o-n-g holiday weekend, and not a damned day too soon, either). Hope that you've all had a good week and that you enjoy the holiday weekend ahead! Wow - 4th of July already. The year's flying by.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm forced to swim upsteam in a cesspool of idiocy. No, drown would be a better descriptor. I've had three major run-ins this week with colleagues (who are located at a different site, thank holy goodness), and in each instance, their idiocy caused me major headache. It's absolutely astounding to me that there are people walking the planet who fail to grasp the basics of human interaction and professional courtesy. I mean, how do these people survive? What are their home-lives like? Jesus, if they treat their spouses and children with the blatant disrespect they treated us, then I can certainly see years and years of misery in their collective futures! I won't go in to all of it here (frankly, because Christ only knows who's reading this blog and, well, I am sure you don't want to read the bloviated tales of my workplace woe)...but I will say this to you. STUPID PEOPLE SHOULD BE DEPRIVED OF OXYGEN.

One of the projects I've been working on for the last few weeks is related to Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO). I've been digging through regulations, talking to senior EEO management and agency attorneys, and I feel like I've got a good grasp on the topic and how to apply it to the situation I'm working on. But in doing this project, a pervasive theme continually ran through my mind (and it was just completely expanded upon in a site-wide EEO briefing our agency held today). This theme is likely going to be unpopular with some of you, and may render me, in your eyes, a bigot. Please, though, understand that that is not the case. Quite far from it. I love everyone. I would never dream of treating someone with malice...for ANY reason (well, hurt me or someone I love, and that's a different story, but you know what I mean...). But I'm very quickly becoming sickeningly exhausted by this country's continual desire to eradicate the way of life upon which we were founded because, God forbid, it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. Something that stuck with me throughout my research pertained to management and its rights (and non-rights) as it pertained to race, religion, and national origin in the workplace. According to Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, employers cannot dictate to their staffs the manner in which they dress. Let me correct myself. Yes, they can provide and mandate the wearing of a uniform or other protective equipment (if applicable), but they cannot, at any time, prohibit someone from wearing certain clothing. Or using certain types of language or demonstrating signs of their faith. While I certainly want people to come and live in this country and be free, I find it really reprehensible that if I were a business owner, I'd be disallowed from setting the tone and pace of my own office. Specifically, employees speaking in other languages (as long as they aren't posing any sort of physical threat to life or limb, theirs or anyone else's), using ebonics or other slang jargon, and dressing outside the professional manner of appearance are all protected activities. And I, as a business owner, couldn't do a damned thing about it. It's frankly infuriating to see what this country is very quickly becoming. A nation of servicepeople whose blatant lack of understanding of the English language is tolerable. I do NOT feel I should have to explain myself fifty times to the clerk at the grocery store or the room service staff at a hotel. If you cannot grasp and use simple English, do not work in this country. Have the respect for the homeland that has adopted you to assimilate yourself into its culture. I'm not saying that you can't be who you are. Please, BE who you are! But for fuck's sake, have the respect for the people and the nation that have embraced you and speak their language. Wear their clothing. In any other nation, we'd be expected to do that, and many of us would merely out of respect. It's just infuriating to me. Again, I am sure this sounds horribly bigoted and bitchy, and I certainly don't mean for it to be. But it's just a huge sticking point with me.

Our little Maggy is going to be spayed tomorrow, God love her. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I'm taking the day off so I can be there "just in case" anything should happen, although Dr. Mertz and her amazing staff promise me that she will be just fine. I'd initially planned to take Tuesday off as well (you know, just in case...), but with the hellish atmosphere that is my office, I am going to have to go in, unfortunately. Grr.

So I finished Mom's shawl! Take a look-see!



The photo doesn't do it justice. I am really quite proud of it. It came out so well. Here's a close-up of the stitches:



I also made a congratulatory card for her using my new Stampin' Up stuff:



(SU products used include Mint Melody and Almost Amethyst cardstock, Eggplant Envy ink, and the Paris In The Spring stamp set!)

I've joined the fine folks at Crochetville, and I am really having a good time sharing ideas and getting to know everyone! They have yarn swaps and crochet-a-longs for charity, and I am really looking forward to getting more involved with them. It's nice to be around others who love to crochet as much as I do! Shame that none of them are here locally. Anyway, I've just sent off my first yarn for a swap! I'd bought three skeins of a pretty, berry-colored (and now retired) Red Heart Plush yarn, and frankly, just couldn't use it. So my new friend Melissa will be receiving my RH Plush and sending me some new worsted weight (you know, that's good for the average crochet beginner!) :) I am looking forward to receiving my new yarn and will try to get a picture up as soon as I receive it.

I think I'll close here. I'd really wanted to try to blog a bit longer tonight and make up for lost days (since it's been, oh, 8 weeks since I've posted, give or take), but I am really zonked, so it's off I go to relax with the family unit. Talk to you all later!

Jen

And So Ends A Bad JenDay(tm)...

Hi friends. I just have a quick second, but I wanted to stop in and say "hello." Today was NOT a pleasant day for me. It got better as it progressed, but I wasn't a happy girl for much of my morning. I'll not get in to it with you, but will say that I took GOOD care of myself on the drive home and bought a few amazing items that perked me riiiiiiiiiiiight up:



As I posted yesterday, my boyfriend Bo Bice's new CD single was released today. Thanks to the kind folks at Barnes and Noble for holding a copy for me. I aso treated myself to an amazing crochet book that I've wanted for ages, and a copy of "Crochet" magazine. The beautiful buttercream-y crocheted fabric beneath these items-of-joy is the shawl I am furiously working on for Mom (I'm on row 72 of 103!). Bo's music perked me right up, and with his amazing voice came the end of my bad day. Now, if I can only stay focused on this shawl and NOT on all of the yummy yarn projects in my new book!!!

I've also promised for the last few days that I'd post some special photos and share with you some of the crafts I've recently created:

1. Here is my first-ever Project Linus blanket. It's entirely in half-double crochet, and was done with a "K" hook and Red Heart's "Pale Plum" Super Saver yarn (#0579). I'm sorry that the photo isn't more clear (I'm still learning my way around this stupid digital camera).



2. Here is one of two cards I made for Fathers' Day this past weekend. As you know, I've gone completely nuts for Stampin' Up products. Here's my first stab at a Fathers' Day card:



(Stampin' Up products used include the crimper, Creamy Caramel cardstock, Mint Melody and Forest Foliage inks, and the Mini Messages stamp set. The dark green cardstock was cheap-y stuff from Michaels.)

3. And here's the second Fathers' Day card I made:



(Stampin' Up products used include Mint Melody and Brilliant Blue cardstock, Mint Melody inks, the Mini Messages and Friend To Friend stamp sets, and a button in Bliss Blue. Unfortunately, it's hard to read the sentiment on the cover of the card. It says "Sunshine in the heart not only warms thine own, but all that comes in contact with it. -James T. Fields")

I'm off to snuggle with my sweetie. Blessings to all of you!

That Tape On My Glasses Looks GREAT!

What does this mean? My nerdiness is "not nerdy, but definitely not hip."

Pity. Guess it's a good thing I didn't rush Omega Mu, oui? :)

"Take Me Back To Con-Stan-Tin-Op-le!"

Hi everyone!

Welcome to a new week! I'm off and running and it's looking like the next several days will be buuuuusy, which is exactly how I like it! The more I do, the faster I move...and the faster I move, the faster the weekend comes! I hope that you all have had a great last several days and that your week is off to a good start as well!

What to share, what to share...

Well, before I get started, it's time for a JenPublicServiceAnnouncement(tm). Yes, I know we've not had one of those since my last e-narration about why we all need to get registered to vote (and you DID vote, right? I mean, I'm not going to have to reach through this blog and slap the hell out of you, am I?). Anyway...on to the ShamelessPromo(tm). When I began this blog, I wanted to accomplish several things with it. Obviously, I wanted to share my life with the world at large and hopefully, in the process, make some new friends and get another view on the world via reading the online diaries of others. Something else I wanted to do was to use this unique e-voice to share concerns and raise awareness about things that are important to me. Anyone who knows me (and/or who has read this blog) know that I fought hard for my position on the Terri Schiavo case. I've briefly shared with you my commitment to the Childrens' Miracle Network, and I encouraged all of you to take part in the various relief efforts after last December's deadly tsunami. Now, I want to make a personal plea to you. If you'll look at the right-side of your screen, you'll see a column of links that I've entitled "Please Support." Beneath that area is a link to the American Macular Degeneration Foundation. Please, friends, take the time to read up on this tragic and life-changing disease. So many times in life, we take for granted those things to which we've become accustomed (and upon which, we so dearly rely). Imagine your life and how differently you'd lead it if you lost your sight. Just imagine. And then stop right now and take the time to educate yourself on good eye health. Macular Degeneration isn't the only tragic eye disorder, I know. But because it is affecting the life of someone I love with my whole heart, I wanted to use my blogvoice(tm) to call attention to this disorder to all of you in the hopes of motivating you to educate and protect yourself and your vision. Your tomorrow depends on it. Now, I am not a doctor, and so I'll not even start talking opthalmology with all of you. I'll leave that for your eye doctor (who you WILL call tomorrow and make an appointment to see, yes?)...but let me tell you what my wonderful doctor shared with me when I saw him a few weeks back. Wear sunglasses and protect your eyes from UV light. Eat green, leafy veggies. And take lutein vitamins, which are readily available at any pharmacy or grocery store. I'm doing all of these things, and want to encourage all of you, my friends, to do the same. Please protect your vision. It's so amazingly precious, and your life would be radically different without it. Remember that.

So anyway, this BRAC continues to loom over my head like a bad hangover. I want so badly to believe that the cards will fall out naturally, and that I'll end up with the perfect job at the perfect place with the perfect colleagues and the perfect boss...all of which without any effort on my part. Of course, the realist in me (i.e., the responsible adult with a child and a mortgage and a LIFE) knows that I need to take a proactive stance and to at least test out the professional waters. Even if we are on the final BRAC list, the likelihood is good that it would be 2010 or 2011 before we'd actually close. While a lot can happen between June 20, 2005 and anydate, 2011, I know it's best for me to try...to at least try...and see what comes to pass. So I did it. I did it! I applied for a GS-0201-12 (that's a Human Resources Specialist at a relatively high grade level, for you non-Fed sorts) at another Federal agency in Kansas City. So wish me luck. We'll see. I am not really ready to "jump ship" now and leave my current career behind, and this position focuses more on recruitment and hardcore staffing than employee relations, which is where my HR heart is. But still, it's a foot in the door and an experience. Who knows? Sometimes the best things come when you're really thinking about walking in a different direction...

In more exciting news, my Bo Bice releases his first CD single tomorrow, and I am vedddy happy about it! Many thanks to the fine folks at the Barnes and Noble at Town Center Plaza, who have promised to hold a copy for me until I get off work tomorrow! I am quite happy. I only wish he'd considered releasing "In A Dream" on this CD. Oh well, perhaps this winter when his full-length CD is released. We'll see.

On the topic of CDs, I am in a CD Exchange with the ladies of the "The Womens' Room" forum over at ISCABBS. I received a great CD filled with classic rock from a gal in Kentucky, and have just put the finishing touches on my CD, which I'll be sending tomorrow to a new friend in New Jersey. Here's my eclectic, somewhat strange mix of tunes that I've compiled:

1. Caramel (Suzanne Vega)
2. I Don't Want To Be (Bo Bice)
3. Cab Driver (Daryl Hall)
4. Me And Bobby McGee (Janis Joplin)
5. Because Of You (Kelly Clarkson)
6. Istanbul (Not Constantinople) (The Four Lads)
7. Crying (k.d. lang)
8. All That I Am (Rob Thomas)
9. Looking In (Mariah Carey)
10. Vertigo (U2)
11. Come On Over (Olivia Newton-John)
12. Smooth Criminal (Alien Ant Farm)
13. Let The River Run (Carly Simon)
14. I Can't Imagine (Aaron Neville)
15. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) (Natalie Cole)
16. All I Know Of Love (Barbra Streisand and Josh Groban)

I hope she likes it! Strange mix, I know. But I like all sorts of music. In hindsight, I wish I'd put some Secret Garden on there, too. Oh well.

Happy (belated) Dads' Day to all the fathers out there. We had a wonderful, weekend-long celebration of the men in our lives. I miss my Daddy something fierce, but had a fun time making his care package and sending it off to him back home. We spent Saturday with Curt's family and then had a private, quiet day (just he and I) yesterday. I made a yummy dinner (stuffed turkey breasts, pasta alfredo, and salad) and we relaxed poolside (rather, HE relaxed poolside...I just crocheted and watched him and Maggy paddle in the pool!). Nice relaxing day. Hard to belive it's summer already. Fall will be here before we know it.

I think I'll close up shop here for the night. Oh, before I forget! I got an EMAIL last night (and another one today) from an old high school friend who I've not talked to since we graduated in 1990. It's good to hear from her. I'll call her S., and just say "welcome to my blog" and "I hope we can keep in touch."

Off to crochet furiously (gotta get this shawl done...gotta get this shawl done...)

-J :)

Dreaming Of A Better Tomorrow

Hi Everyone!

Hope that life's treated all of you well these past two weeks. I'm sorry I've been so incommunicado (have my apologies worn thin yet?). I've been busy (you're astonished, aren't you?) and life's been crazy. But it looks like it will be a relatively calm weekend, which will be nice.

Maggy's all better now, God love her. Thanks so much to all of you for your kind thoughts and prayers. We are so thankful. Her little spirit is back, and she's playful and happy and healthy. We're taking her back to see Dr. Vodraska tomorrow at the Gardner Animal Hospital for a checkup and a tear test on her little eyes. Hopefully we'll be able to cease and desist on the eye drops we've been giving her. Understandably so, she hates it. And although she's a small little doggy, she's quite mighty and can squirm and fight like nobody's business. So meddy-time is not a fun time for anyone in the Smith household. Looks like clearer horizons are just ahead, though. Thanks again for the well wishes.

(Speaking of well wishes, my girl C(1) isn't feeling so well these days. Here's hoping that you get to feeling better soon!)

I've spent my evenings these past two weeks feverishly and furiously working on a beautiful crochet shawl for my mom. She recently got promoted (yay!) and I wanted to get this off in the mail to her as a congratulatory gift. (She reads this blog, so in hindsight, typing all of this out is a really ignorant idea.) Anyway, it's a gorgeous shawl and I'm looking forward to posting a photo of it when it's finished. I'm about halfway there. :) Actually, if you've got a skein or two of Caron's Simply Soft yarn, you may very well have a copy of the pattern yourself! It was one of many freebie patterns that come on the skein labels. If memory serves me, the pattern is called "Simply Elegant Shawl" or something like that. I'm doing it in "Off White" (the photo doesn't do it justice at ALL), and it looks like buttercream. Just gorgeous, if I do say so myself (and given that I've had nothing but hellacious trouble with every-damned-thing I try to crochet, I'd say I'm entitled to a little self-praise!) Anyways, congrats to you, Mom. You deserve it!

Lots has happened in the last two weeks. For starters, the Michael Jackson trial ended with a "not guilty" verdict. Gee, there's a shocker. You know, you look at someone like him and just wonder. Wonder what he's thinking (IF he's thinking at all)...what goes through a mind like his. My husband really doesn't think he's guilty. Truthfully, he thinks Michael's so infant-like in spirit and mind that he truly lacks the capacity to molest children. Is he right? I don't know. You'd think that after dodging a similar bullet once in the past, that he'd be a little more inclined to watch his step and. Even moreso, why doesn't it resonate inside him that his continual out-of-court settlements with other alleged victims and their families really make him look guilty? I don't know. I will say this, though...and it's the same thing I said about OJ Simpson...if he ISN'T guilty, then my heart just breaks for him. Just breaks.

The Blogosphere's all abuzz with reports of the release of the Terri Schiavo autopsy. Michael Schiavo and his camp are undoubtedly gloating and drowning in a bloody sea of "we-told-you-so" while the Schindler family is left no more comforted and no more cognizant of what truly happened to their daughter and just as empty as they were before. I truly, truly believe that, although we're blessed to live in a time of rich medical advancement and intelligence, that medical science simply cannot and does not have an explanation for every single occurrence within our bodies. It just doesn't. The autopsy report appears to contradict itself in numerous places, and yet in others, says-without-saying-it that the permitted atrophy of this woman's poor shell likely destroyed any residual stories of abuse that her skeleton might have shared with us. The whole situation is just horrific and sad. How savage are we as a society that we would allow an innocent human being to be depleted of fluids to the point of death? And for what reason? So her "marital partner" could remove an obstacle from his pathway to a better life? It's just disgusting to me. No...no. I am not going to go through this again. I am not going to allow this sadness to engulf me again. The heartsickness I felt about this case paralleled the horror and shattered heartbreak I felt on 9/11. And I don't ever want to feel that way again. I was eight months pregnant on that sad, sad day. And I remember standing there crying and shaking and thinking that "only horrible mothers bring children into a world like this"...and wondering what I'd tell my child when she would, one day, ask me about September 11, 2001. I'll never forget the way the world reacted. The beautiful outpouring of love that came to us from all over the world was just amazing. That Friday following the attacks, I watched the prayer vigil on television, and in that moment, it hit me. I'd tell my child that from the darkest of tragedy came the most beautiful of humankind. I silently hoped that the world would change before my little one would have the cognizance of the life required to process and understand that horrible day. I dreamed of being able to say to her, "It's sad to say, but the world was a different place then...not the peaceful, beautiful world that it is now." Just as we appear to take five steps forward, a case like Terri Schiavo's comes along and we take ten backward. While I no longer believe that "only horrible parents give children to a world like this," I am saddened and heartsick and very worried about what kind of world my child and her children will call home. All we can do is keep moving forward. Keep loving one another and working toward the positive good. It's going to take all of us. And God knows there are enough people out there working against us. It just breaks my heart.

On that note, I'm off to snuggle close to my husband and bask in the joy of being home and safe with the people I love more than anything. I love you too, my dear readers. Keep safe and be well.

-Jen

"Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

Wow. Just wow.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

(The above text is, in its entirety, the commencement speech given at Stanford University, by Steve Jobs, CEO of both Apple Computer and Pixar Animation Studios. Date of speech - 12 June, 2006.)

Won't You Take Me To...FUNKY-TOWWWN?

Good grief.

Yes, I know that there are freaky, icky, strange, bizarre, weird, and just generally sick stories on the Internet. But why is it that I keep finding them while looking innocently for other, non-weird things?

Take, for instance, MSNBC's contention that Wacko-Jacko couldn't survive prison life. In "Prison Would Prove Tough For 'Fragile' Jackson," we learn all about how poor, child-like Michael Jackson could never fare behind bars. Oh, I'm sorry...were we supposed to feel badly for you, Michael? Perhaps you should have considered this sort of thing before you abused those children! The ACLU's going to have a field day with this, I'm certain. (Because, you know, God FORBID anyone subject a felon to any discomfort or worry.) (Hey, someone buy me one of those "ACLU - Enemy Of The State" tees from CafePress, woodja?) That man (and the sickeningly pretentious life he leads) just defy logic to me. I'd bet one or two of my Longaberger baskets that he'll walk or they'll be a hung jury and we'll be riiiight back where we started from allll over again.

And in other fun and icky news, our friends over at WebMD have reported that a young woman recently delivered a baby after receiving an ovarian transplant from her twin sister. Having suffered myself from an infertility-related condition, I am not one to begrudge those unable to have a child. But good CHRIST, this is just weird to me on so, so many levels. When all is said and done here, didn't this woman, in all actuality, just give birth to her sister's child? I'm sorry, folks, but this just icks me out. (Oh God, I can just HEAR the onslaught of "bitch" EMAIL messages a-headin' my way.)

OK, I'm gone. Bye. :)

"Like, Oh-Mah-GAWWWD!"

This is your brain on the 80s:



My score? 149. I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor!

A Frisky, Healthy Puppy

Just a quick post to update you - Maggy's home. And fine, albeit a little sleepy. They did a panel of bloodwork on her and all of her enzyme and hormone levels were as they should be, thank God. Dr. Vodraska said that she didn't have Pancreatitis, but rather just a slight tummy infection. (I bet one of the kids gave her something to eat at the party Saturday *grrr* - that will NOT happen again!). Anyway, they gave her some antibiotics and IV fluids and she did very well. My sweet little Boston lady! When we came to pick her up, she was so excited. Happy and bouncy and playing with the staff and us and the other little ones in the waiting room. We've got our girl back. If you read my earlier post and gave a good thought or sent a prayer to my little Maggy, thank you so much. And also a big, big thank you to Dr. Mertz, Dr. Vodraska, Kayla, Cindy, and Becky at the Gardner Animal Hospital. We are so, so thankful for you all!

I need to take and upload four new photos. I've got my Project Linus blanket ready to go (yay!) and also crocheted (and actually finished, go me) my first official crochet dishcloth. (Hey, it's a finished product!) Also, I'd like to scan and upload the two cards we made at my Stampin' Up party Saturday. I'll try to do that later. I also owe Robyn an EMAIL!

I'm off. Later!

Sad And Worried

Hi everyone. Well, it's 10:42 in the a.m. on Tuesday. At this time, I'd generally be fast away at the office, deeply involved in this or that project or meeting with whomever about whatever and planning to do this and such. That's not the case today. This Sunday, our little Maggy got very sick. She got better, and then it got a whole lot worse overnight. As I type this to you (from my home office in the basement and not the office), our little baby Boston is an inpatient at the Gardner Animal Hospital, where Dr. Mertz assures me she needs to be right now. If you would, please keep our little girl in your thoughts and prayers today. They think she may have a mild case of Pancreatitis. Her symptoms are indicative of Pancreatitis, but her lifestyle isn't (i.e., we never EVER give her human food, she's not on any new medication, etc. etc.). Dr. Mertz and her staff are great, and I know that Maggy is where she needs to be. But still, it just ripped my heart. Curtis just held me as I cried and assured me that she'd be OK...and I am hopeful she will be. But, still, I'm sad. God love her, her whole little body just shook. And she was so clingy to me. Please, everyone, just say a little prayer for our baby puppy. Thank you. We're supposed to have some news this afternoon on her condition. I'll let you know what we find out.

Maggy's sickness notwithstanding, it was a good weekend. C(1), D(1), D(2) and I had a wonderful time at our little "sex toy party" at C(1)'s house. I had a few friends show up for my Stampin' Up party Saturday. Wish I'd had more people come, but I did get a LOT of amazing stamps (to include "Paris In The Spring" and "Friend To Friend" and "It's A Party") and other stamp-y stuff. I can't BELIEVE they are discontinuing "Mint Melody!" I stocked up on the cardstock. That's pretty, pretty paper! It's just like Longaberger. The second I got "in" to it, they discontinued all of the stuff I liked. Thanks. So, so much. (which reminds me...I need to order their Not-So-Lazy-Susan and the matching Crescent Dishes before they retire this summer!) Anyway, the rest of the weekend was basically uneventful, although I did make a wonderful new friend early Sunday! Erin loves to read, so I took her to Barnes and Noble in Leawood to read her "big kid books" and play in the kid-area. While she was playing, I was trying to learn how to knit out of a book (just imagine the sight...fat girl on floor, covered in yarn and "how-to-knit" books, her big-assed purple knit needles going here-and-there). Anyway, a sweet woman (also named Jennifer!) whose son was playing with Erin came over and saw me struggling. And she spent some time actually teaching me to knit. It was nice...finally, human intervention! I've been trying for weeks now to teach myself how to knit, and it was JUST not happening. Anyway, to Jennifer (the knit queen and mom of adorable Eric), thank you so much for your help! I wish we'd exchanged numbers. If you see this, by some slim chance, EMAIL me!

Nothing new on the work-front. The BRAC buzz is slowly dying. Actually, I think it's just buried temporarily. Life goes on. We return to work and have the same zillion responsibilities and tasks that we had before the list was released, but this winter's going to come quicker than we're imagining and with it, the final list. I'm almost positive we'll be on it. But that's OK. What is meant to be will be. This is in God's hands. All I need to do is leave myself open for whatever God has in store for me. This is hard for me. I'm the general control freak, "get-the-hell-out-of-my-way" type who likes to do her own thing all the time. But that's where faith comes in. I'm reminded of that Josh Groban song called "To Where You Are." In it, he talks about the loss of love. This lyric of the song rings so true here - "And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen?" True. Makes you think. Had I not had faith and given God the chance to work His magic in my life, there'd be no Curtis. No Erin. No Maggy. No GS-12 position doing a job I love in a state that I love in a home that I love with friends that I love. I will be OK.

I'm off. Will post more later when we get news about Maggy.

-Jen

"Oh! My! Starry-Eyed Surprise!"

Folks, I can't help it. I am generally not the starstruck sort. Really, I'm not! But I loveloveloveLOVE this guy. I just think he's an amazing talent and a wonderful performer.



His acapella performance of "In A Dream" was just amazing.

In an earlier blog posting, I told you that I was the sort that got very involved in and caught up in the lives of the folks she saw on television. That's, generally speaking, the characters in the shows and movies that I love. But when I see a "real life" story, usually an actor or performer nominated for (or winning!) acclaim for his or her work, I just get giddy and excited. Like I know the people or something. (And before you say it, yes, I know I am strange.) I love being "in the moment" and seeing the joy of other people. It makes me happy. I really never got much in to "American Idol," and I really didn't get excited about it until the last several weeks when it became very apparent to me that Bo was just incredible. And for him (and for Carrie and Vonzelle), I felt a strong sense of joy as they performed and did so, so well. The three of them are amazingly talented, and it made my heart happy to see these three young, talented people bravely giving themselves to all of us...and having a DAMNED good time as they did so. A tiny part of me wished I'd had the courage at their age to do what they are doing (hell, I wish I had that courage now!) Seeing their loved ones and friends in the audience was a kick, too. These were REAL people...REAL emotions. And that's the sort of thing that really grabs and holds me. Sharing in a passionate moment like that and feeling the joy of others is such a thrill for me. I imagine this probably makes me sound exceptionally strange, and to those who'd say that, I'd likely retort with a hearty "fuck you!" When there is an over-abundance of sadness and despair and selfishness and hurt in the world, it's wonderful to see courage and talent and love and support and joy and excitement. And I like being around that kind of energy. So anyway, I say all of this to say that I love this guy and think he's amazing, and I'm not ashamed to say that his performances made me cry and that I am so, so looking forward to buying his first CD (which, I can promise you, will very likely be out before we know it). Thanks, Bo, for affecting us with your music and for sharing your soul with us. As a singer myself, I know that the greatest thrill I get when I perform is seeing someone react with favor or demonstrate a strong response to me...be that applause or tears or a hug with a "thanks" for having touched a spirit. Those things feel so, so good to me, and I'm just someone who likes to sing (and does it moderately well). I can only imagine how wonderful it feels to, as these folks have done, touch people's spirits with their God-given gifts of music. Wow. Just wow.

OK, I'm off. Night!

Maggy's Internet Debut!

Hi, I'm Maggy! Wanna play?



A local ice cream/custard store gives away free "doggy cones," and this was Maggy's first yummy ice cream treat!



Night night!