Happy Birthday Mom!!!!!

Sixty-one years ago today, the amazing woman I call "Mom" was born. How I wish there were the words to describe to you the joy and the light that she has been to my life. She was my first (and best) "best friend." She has been my champion, my advocate, my strength, my voice, and my courage every day of my life. She's faced some exceptionally intolerable pain and never ceased to put me first. Although 500 miles separate us in body, she is always, always with my in spirit and I love her more now today than ever.

Here are the gifts and card we sent to her. I hope they made her smile and feel loved and missed and adored (because she is!)

First, the card (you know me, don't I always make a homemade card?). Remember that you can click on the photo for a larger image:



Stampin' Up products used cardstock (Almost Amethyst, Blush Blossom, Certaily Celery, and Elegant Eggplant), stamp set ("Sincere Salutations"), ink (Almost Amethyst), the square punch, white organdy ribbon, buttons (in Pale Plum and Mellow Moss), and Stampin' Dimensionals. The mini glue dots aren't from SU, and I used the Sizzix machine to cut out the flowers.

And here are her gifts (again, please click for a larger photo):



She likes Vera Bradley (and I am getting "in" to those bags as well), so we got her the "Small Cosmetic" in "New Hope" (love, love, LOVE that fabric) and the "Zip Wallet" in "Petal Pink." We also made her a mix-CD of songs to listen to at the office, in the car, or whenever she needs a musical uplift and wants to feel close to us. I threw in some classics I knew she'd love (a little Taylor Hicks with a dash of some Ella Fitzgerald and a splash of Dolly Parton) and some new stuff I think she will really like (Amos Lee, Chieli Minucci, and a host of others). I hope that she enjoys her gifts and knows how much we truly love and miss her. Happy Birthday, Mom. Can't wait to see you in a few weeks for Erin's birthday!!!

And on the thread of appreciations and photos, another huge THANK YOU SO MUCH to Chrissy for being a wonderful Secret Pal. Here's a photo of the final gift I received from her the day before yesterday:



I love the wool yarns! The Gems Sapphire is SO SOFT. And the Lorna's Laces is just gorgeous. This will make a VERY warm hat! And check out the home-made, sunshine-y washcloth! This will be a perfect addition to my next soak-in-the-tub-and-relax session! Thank you again, Chrissy. You rock my socks off!

Have a great night and a wonderful Friday, friends!

It's Much Harder Than I Thought It'd Be...

OK, so it’s not a secret that it’s been a while since I’ve posted. A long, long, long while. I’ve also been somewhat rotten in the "return-my-EMAIL-please-Jen" department. The last few weeks have been very topsy-turvy and busy and active and exhausting and wonderful…all rolled up in one. I apologize for being gone. Believe it or not, I’ve really missed you guys. And I’ve missed typing out and sharing my experiences with all of you. Have you ever noticed that by manually plunking out your thoughts and feelings (and sharing them with the world proper here on the Internet), that your perspective sometimes changes? That which seems monumental later feels not-so-much-so. And some things hurt much more deeply than you realized? Interesting, isn’t it?

Those of you who are faithful readers know that I was asked last spring to consider taking on the role of chapter adviser at a local collegiate chapter of my sorority. I’d just come off four years of leadership in the local alumnae chapter (one year as secretary and three as president), and in all honesty, I was truthfully looking forward to merely coming to meetings, paying dues, helping raise money for our philanthropies, and enjoying the company and friendship my sisters had to offer (versus trying to do all of this AND lead the chapter simultaneously). I figured I’d make cookies for events, serve as a pen-pal to one of the local collegians, and just, well, be a sister. When the call came in (well, actually, it was an EMAIL, but I digress…) to serve as the local collegiate chapter’s adviser, I was torn. I wanted to do it so badly. SO badly. And I was above honored to even be considered. But did I have what it took to do the job (and the girls) justice? What kind of time commitment were we talking about here? What about my family? I had truly wanted to relax somewhat sorority-wise and focus more on my husband and daughter (and killer Boston Terrier) and also on the hunt for my next job (you know, since the BRAC has come and obliterated my professional existence). But I’ve always wanted to be actively involved in my organization. When I was a collegian, I so admired the alumnae who served on advisory councils or who were chapter advisers or Area or National officers. I wanted that for myself, too. And this opportunity to serve my organization and help lead its younger members was one step closer to becoming one of those alumnae myself, and so I said yes. If you had told me then what I know now, I think I would have been somewhat astonished. Simply put, I had no idea how much energy and time it would cost me…and how much I would love it. I just had no idea.

There has been an ongoing issue with our chapter that I can’t discuss, but it’s safe to say that it has usurped much of my energy and time since agreeing to do this. That’s fine…it’s part of the job…but I had no idea what I was getting myself in to. The situation is emotional, and it’s been hard on my girls. Seeing them struggle was a hurt for which I was not prepared. It’s getting better, and I am thrilled to be in there knee-deep and involved and actively in touch with and working with the girls. They’ve needed that kind of connection and assistance for so long now, and I am glad to be the one who is there for them.

Last week was formal recruitment (in my day, we called it “rush”). The week prior was their work week (you know the drill…move back in before school starts, clean and clean and clean some more, rehearse recruitment skits, etc. etc.) I spent every evening there during recruitment, came to visit several times during work week, and stayed some nights past 12:30 in the morning. Was I glad to do it? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Without question. But in all honesty, it was more grueling and energy-consuming than I imagined it would be. I got little sleep, I ate very poorly, and I was drained. Add to that the ongoing issues with the chapter and I was just exhausted. Next year, I will do things much differently…take the time off work, better prepare myself (having food and comfy clothes on hand), get more rest, etc. etc.

I am so, so proud of these women. Even in the short time that I’ve been working with them, they are teaching me so much. Sometimes it’s funny how things work out. I came in to this experience thinking that I wasn’t the right girl for it…and thrust out into a house of 20-something 20-somethings who needed my insight and help. I had no idea that they’d be the ones to teach me. We didn’t do as well at recruitment as I’d hoped. (Let me rephrase that. We did BEAUTIFULLY, and the girls were absolutely fantastic. We didn’t get the number of new pledges that I’d hoped.) Hearing the lower number just HURT. I mean, it PHYSICALLY hurt. I felt as if I’d been kicked in the stomach. After everything that had happened and all of their hard work, I felt that they deserved to take the maximum number of available pledges. When that didn’t come to pass, my heart simply broke. That was a pain I couldn't have expected or anticipated...and which, I fear, I did not hide very well! Not one hour later, however, the tide turned. When the girls learned how many new members they were receiving (and their names), they were absolutely thrilled. THRILLED. When I left at 12:30 the next morning, their laughter and V-E-R-Y loud music could be heard outside the house. They were dancing and laughing and getting to know their new sisters and pigging out and basically just having fun being young. The lesson I learned? That being a sorority adviser is like being a parent in a sense. You want the world for them….you want everything good and wonderful and “the best” for them…but you have to learn as well to relax your hopes and expectations when you see their joy in what they have. And believe me, it was joy. I couldn’t hold back the tears for long…tears that began in sadness and heartbreak turned in to tears of pride for my girls and joy in their new sisters. I am sure many more lessons await me in my dealings with these (now 30-something in count) young women.

In the midst of all the emotional sorority stuff, I’ve also been dealing with work hassles. We’re drowning…just drowning. More work than we have bodies (and time). I am catching up…SLOWLY…but I’ve still got a ways to go still. Oh yeah, and my car is dead, too. Don’t even get me started on that. I guess all the trips to the sorority house (in the 800 degree heat) didn’t agree with it. It’s a brand new damned car (as in a 2005 make!) It’s astonishing that something so expensive can be so poorly made. Let’s not start down this road.

I had much more that I wanted to share with all of you, but I can see that this post is already a zillion words long and I can only imagine what you must be thinking (“You can SHUT IT anytime, Jen!”) If you’ve read this far, may warm oatmeal scotchies fall from the sky directly to your waiting plate. And also, if you're one of my friends still awaiting an EMAIL reply (or who just received a long-awaited reply), please accept my apologies and forgive me.

(Oh, before I go...MANY THANKS to my amazing Secret Pal 8, Christine. Thank you for all the wonderful gifts. It was great getting spoiled by you!!! My last gift arrived today. I will get a photo of it tonight and get it uploaded!)

Be well and healthy and happy, dear friends.

The More Things Change...

Ever notice how the more things change, the more they stay the same? Whoever coined that phrase is a genius.

Hello all. Been a really crazy last few weeks. Yes, I know I always say that when I've not been a faithful bloviator. It is, however, true. Here's a quick run-down of what's been going on in my life. Lots is happening, but it's all lots of the same, if that makes sense. Life stuff, work stuff, family stuff, sorority adviser stuff...stuff abounds.

Family first. All is well on the Smith homefront. Curtis and Erin are both now taking tae kwon do, and it's a RIOT to watch her! She did SO WELL during her first little trial class. I was afraid at first that maybe she was too young. Maybe it would intimidate her, or maybe she might not be able to understand enough to follow along. I was wrong! She was right out there with the bigger kids doing her exercises and running and kicking and punching and forcefully chanting "YES SIR!" when she was given a command! I was so proud. She was such a little ham. It's giving her a solid outlet for her energies while also teaching her a time-honored tradition with lifetimes of history...one that will help her emotionally and physically. Curt took karate when he was younger, and I think he's really enjoying taking it again. I need to get my fat tookus motivated to try this, too. They have a ladies' class. Maybe. We'll see. In the meantime, school starts this Wednesday (where did the summer go?!?!) and "Meet The Teacher Night" is tomorrow. Even though Erin will be having the same teacher again this year, we thought it'd be fun to go and tour her classroom and have some ice cream with the other kids and families. Fall is right around the corner!

And on the topic of fall, classes are starting soon up at the university. The girls moved in to the sorority house this weekend, and I was there most of the day Friday and yesterday afternoon meeting with the officers and watching their recruitment skits. I'm going back later this afternoon for a formal Ritual service. These young women are all very dynamic, and it's wonderful to see a different side of sisterhood. It's been ages since I was a collegian. On my campus, we were a newer chapter (colonized in 1989, and I rushed in 1992). Our campus was a commuter campus in the middle of downtown Indianapolis. We had virtually no support from the university administration, and, by virtue of our young age, we also had very few alumnae to support us. By contrast, this chapter has been around since the 1910's, has a large house, and also has a very strong community of dedicated alumnae. I've been so fortunate to be a part of this amazing sisterhood, and I am so glad now to get the opportunity to work with these younger women and to help them have a more meaningful sorority experience. I'm slowly getting over the whole "are-we-sure-Jen's-the-best-girl-for-the-job?" worry, but I am still somewhat trepidatious. Someone wiser than me once told me that I'd never grow or learn or become a better person if I didn't step outside my comfort zone. Well, I'm out there now, that's for certain.

It's appearing now that the interagency detail that would assist me in being reassigned and spared from any additional BRAC-related trauma won't work out after all. It's a long story, but it basically equates to someone in a very senior position not being supportive of me or of my amazing boss who's trying so hard to help me. I wish I could tell you that I'm surprised, but I'm not. Supporting his people has traditionally not been this director's primary concern. My boss and I gave it a shot, and we'll see. The "no" isn't definitive yet, but it's darned close. In the meantime, there was a GS-0201-09/12 that closed last week (and it involved work in employee relations - woo hoo!), and I put in for it, so we'll see. I'd like to keep my 12, but I'm willing to go down to the GS-11 again. So we'll see. In the meantime, I'll still keep DEU'ing my way along. I've got about four SF-39s waiting for me tomorrow. Jolly.

In the last few months, I've been re-connecting with old friends on MySpace. In the past week, three women that I was very close to in school have found me. It's been really great talking with them and catching up on how life has treated us all and the directions that we've taken. You know, I've talked with you all before about how I've run from certain parts of my past. How I don't like to think about them...talk about them...be even remotely reminded of them. And then there are a few years that were so joy-filled and happy. I suppose I wasn't any different than your average overweight teenager in that I didn't have the highest self-concept and that I just dreaded certain things (i.e., the long walk down the center hallway at my high school, which is where the self-proclaimed "beautiful people" hung out and took every opportunity they had to make fun of anyone who didn't have their good looks or their fathers' fortunes). But I have some absolutely wonderful times and those are forever emblazoned in my memory. Just seeing these old friends again brings back a lot of wonderful memories. It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since our days at Lawrence Central High School. One of my newly-found friends said to me, "Do you realize it's been 20 years since we started at LC?" 20 years. How is that possible? Class of 1990. Wow.

I'm off to find out when "Barnyard" is playing at the AMC Studio 30 in Olathe. Erin's been so excited to see it. Have a wonderful day, everyone.

Baby, It's HOT Outside...

Hi everyone. Just a quick "catch up post" before heading off to bed. I hope that you've all had a good weekend and that the rains that are slowly cooling off our area will soon provide you a break in the heat as well.

My last bloviation here was somewhat heavy-hearted, I just wanted to say "thank you so much" to all of you who have EMAILed and sent me comments and posts (both here and at MySpace) of support. I am doubly blessed in my life to have wonderful friends and family offline, as well as a beautiful and amazing grouping of online sisters and brothers. Thank you so much, especially to Keri. Sure seems like everytime something reallyreallybad or reallyreallygreat happens and I bloviate about it, Keri's right there to share in the moment and to be a good friend from afar. Thank you, Keri (and everyone else). You simply rock. Period!

It's been a busy weekend. HOT and busy. SCORCHING and busy. SWELTERING and busy. I spent the morning yesterday at the sorority house for "work day" cleaning and generally preparing the house for move-in next week. Already, the challenges are beginning to pour in and I am worried and nervous and excited. The house has no air conditioning (we shut it off for the summer), so just imagine my not-so-skinny self cleaning dirty bedrooms (don't get me STARTED on the bathrooms) in scalding heat with no air. Fun morning! Curtis and I had a date afternoon after a long shower and bout of relaxation, and it was just a nice, albeit STEAMY, night. We kept busy today with a quick day jaunt up to St. Joseph for a family dinner with the parental-units-in-law, and spent the evening outside celebrating the second (!!!) birthday of the daughter of a family friend. We left the party just as the storms rolled in, and I am now typing to you after a VERY LENGTHY shower to wash off the grit and heat of the day. (A note to the folks at Perfect Scents and ZUM...thank you for your deliciously wonderful bath products! I am a clean-smellin' bloggin' babe because of you, and I feel WORLDS better now than I did when I walked through our front door!) Of course, no celebration would be complete without a homemade birthday card, and Miss Ashley's second birthday was no exception:



Stampin' Up products used include the following: stamp sets ("Birthday Best" and "Mini Messages" and the now-retired "Little Layers Plus"), inks (Almost Amethyst, Bordering Blue, Elegant Eggplant, Rose Red, and Summer Sun), cardstock (Almost Amethyst and Pixie Pink), and tags from the alumnimum square tag set. The purple flower brads (which I love), colored pencils, and the glue dots aren't from SU.

OK, off to bed. Early day tomorrow. Have a great night, friends.

At Least You Can't Say I'm Boring...

Hi everyone. It's been a while and I've got lots to share with you. Hang on for the ride...

This week started out on a topsy-turvy note. Last Sunday as we were starting the week and getting ready for the days ahead, Erin said something completely uncharacteristic and out-of-sorts. She said that she didn't want to go to her daycare. We have had an in-home daycare with a family friend ever since Erin was six weeks old, and this woman and her family (and the children who have gone there with her) are close and are special parts of our extended family. Erin has grown up with these children. She is a very social, very kind, and very loving little girl, and she rarely meets a stranger. Almost instantly when she meets a new little (or not-so-little) person, she struts right up, introduces herself, and starts playing and making a new friend. And she's very close to her daycare provider, so imagine our shock to hear her say that she no longer wanted to go there. Upon pressing her for more information, a story emerged that I was not prepared for. A new little boy (who is eight years old...TWICE ERIN'S AGE) has been "mean" to her. "Mean," as she defines it, includes him telling her to sit in time-out and him saying rude things to her and him "tapping" her tummy (not "hitting" her, but touching her in a manner she does not like). When this news broke, I went off the deep end. And yes, before I continue, I realize that "going off the deep end" is not the proper means by which to handle situations like this. My "deep end"-ery was always kept from Erin, and she saw me simply behave in a loving but direct fashion. We had a talk with her and explained to her that she is a wonderful and lovely child, and that no one has the right to be mean or to touch her in any way that she does not want. And we also told her how to deal with this certain child should he ever again wish to express his pseudo, only-because-he's-older authority. And then I called her daycare provider. I put it to her simply. This is a three-step process. I talk to you, I talk to the child's father, and then I go to the local police department. Boom, boom, and boom, in that order. Her caregiver did explain that the little boy is "just odd" and that he demonstrates strange, attention-seeking behaviors. And she promised to talk to both this child and Erin and to ensure that the situation corrects itself. So far, so good. No more complaints of him being rude or touching her in any manner. And it's a good damned thing, too. I won't hesitate to take any steps necessary to protect my child from being bullied. While I realize that children need to learn how to stand up for themselves and how to reconcile their own proper behaviors against those of a bully, I also realize that my child is only four years old. At this age, she lacks the capacity and the faculties to adequately defend herself from being bullied, especially by a child twice her age. I am not without compassion. Please don't misunderstand. As more details about this child are made clear to me, it's becoming more obvious to me that something's inadequate about his life. He's crying out for attention and is seeking recognition. That breaks my heart, and my prayers are with him. But I will not tolerate another child's poor behavior adversely impacting the health and physical/emotional well-being of my daughter. She will not be forced to suffer because another child has personal issues. Period. I don't think I'm feeling anywhere near "out of sorts" here. It's a natural reaction for a parent to want to protect her child. This little boy is probably not a serious threat. Kids will be kids, and the situation was expediently addressed and rectified. However, I see in myself the capacity to absolutely breathe fire for my little girl. I am not a violent or mean person. I abhor violence. I can't hear about it, I can't watch it on television....I can't surround myself with it in any fashion. But mark my words. If I ever, EVER got wind of anyone laying a finger on her to harm her, so help me God, I'd end that person's life with my own bare hands. Again, I realize that this is normal...every decent parent feels this way about his or her own child. And I realize that the time will come (sooner than I want it to) where I will have to leave Erin to her own devices. She will never learn how to deal with problematic, harmful people if she is not properly exposed to difficult situations and shown the proper manner in which to handle them. However, at the age of four, the "proper manner in which to handle" this situation is for Curtis and I to remove her from its path. And that's what we've done.

All of this hulla-baloo affected me doubly. Not only did I have the fierce, "Mama Bear" reaction, I also had a personal reaction. At the age of 34, I am still unable to get past years of horrible, emotionally violent bullying that I experienced when I was younger. It's a long story and I'll not go in to it here (trust me...you don't want to hear it and I don't want to deal with an evening of torrential tears, and that's exactly what will happen if I walk down that road with you). During a relatively short (but very painful) time in my life, I was subjected to extreme bullying at the hands of children of privilege. I was the only middle-class student at a private, Catholic school. I was also the only fat one...the only not-so-pretty one...and thus, I was an easy mark. My family had some significant personal trauma during one particular year, and that was also the year that the bullying was the worst. And on Monday, as I was dealing with this situation with Erin, I completely collapsed emotionally. The entire trauma of that horrible time came flooding back to me. Years later, I still suffer. I never developed self-esteem, thanks in part to not only the children who harmed me but the adults cognizant of it who stood idly by and let it happen. I am 34, for fuck's sake. The emotional issues I continue to face should be a part of my long-ago. They aren't. I thought and worried about Erin becoming like me, and I actually raised my voice to Curtis (which I never do - we almost never get in heated talks or arguments) and I said, "LOOK AT ME. Is THIS what you want your daughter to become? Overweight, eating disorder, no sense of self-esteem." It was horrible. Not one of my better days. Not by a longshot. As the days have passed, I've come down from that horrible heightened sadness and I am OK again. But it's continued proof of that which I hide and try to bury beneath deadlines and work and schedules and friends and life in general...I still hurt. As long as I don't think about that time or I don't see any of those people, I am just fine. But the second I encounter a memory or a person from that time, oh God, it all just breaks down around me. And that's exactly what happened to me on Monday.

I have issues, but at least you can't say I'm boring.

Today, our team leader retired. In a relatively short time, I've come to know and really, really care for her. It's hard to say farewell, but I am so thrilled for her as she starts this brand new chapter of her life. I used to think that in my field (human resources), hiring new people was the "coolest part." Not any longer. The most wonderful thing we see is people leaving and starting brand new chapters of their lives in retirement. Those we hear from always laugh and say, "I am so busy now! How did I ever find time to work?" And that's a wonderful thing. We had a little luncheon for her yesterday, and our former HR Director came back for it. He's someone EXCEPTIONALLY dear to my heart, and it was beyond wonderful to see him again. He gave me a long and very tight hug, and it felt so good to just see him and laugh with him and be around his energy again. He was definitely a one-of-a-kind. Life is a wonderful thing. God sends people down our pathways that affect and influence us, and whose effects remain part of our spirits years after the woods "good bye" have been uttered.

I may be a little sappy and emotional, but at least you can't say I'm boring.

It's been hotter than Satan's kitchen on fire this week, and wouldn't you know it, the air conditioning in MY BRAND NEW CAR decided that this week would be a fun and exciting time to die. Conk out. Expire. Die. And "die" was what I wanted to do yesterday as I drove all the way from Kansas City to Gardner IN MY HOT AND STUFFY CAR. I had a dinner meeting with another sorority adviser and during dinner, a huge storm blew in. As I walked in the pouring rain and pitch black dark to my car, I got soaked. To the bone. I couldn't see my very black car in the very black darkness, and add my visual inabilities to my haste to get in my car and dry off, and then envision me SMACKING MY FOREHEAD WITH MY CAR DOOR. Yes, I've got a shiner on my noggin above my left eye, boys and girls. Oh, and did I mention that my fucking air conditioner KICKED BACK ON AS I DROVE HOME FROM DINNER?!? Yep, I'm wet and soaked to the bone and it's cold outside and my head hurts like fuck and the air decides to resume functioning. What could possibly BE more delightful?

You could say that my luck sucks ass this week, but at least you can't say I'm boring.

I found something very cool today. I'm practically all caught up at the office (which is NO SMALL FEAT given the fact that I was on leave, got hammered with work, and lost all access to decent and functioning technology, all within two weeks' time), and I got to browsing sites online. I found one that I just absolutely love. It's called BookCrossing (www.bookcrossing.com), and it's basically a worldwide group of people leaving old, already-read books behind for others to discover and read. I've already "set a book free" (to quote my new friends at BookCrossing), and I am really interested in seeing who finds it and how far out into the world it will go.

You can call me a geek, but at least you can't say I'm boring.

And you can also call me "gone." Dinner time. Be well, everyone.