My Bloviation Celebration!

"One woman's life journey of love, laughter, and lipgloss..."

jeudi, mars 31, 2005

Let The Healing Begin

I took a pretty courageous step tonight and made a leap of forgiveness.

Someone I once loved very dearly hurt me fifteen years ago, and I've been harboring that sadness, that anger, and that hurt for the longest, longest time. Tonight, I opened the door of forgiveness, re-established contact, and made known some special, important feelings...feelings that I've been holding on to for far too long. It was a scary step, but one I'm glad that I've taken. Life is far too precious for me to allow resentment and sadness to remain a part of my soul, especially in light of the goodness and richness God has given to me. My energies are truly better spent (and are very dearly deserved) elsewhere. And so I'm glad I did this. It's been on my mind for quite some time...I even listed it as one of my "100 things to do before I die." Tonight, I update that list accordingly, and do so much happier and lighter in spirit.

Before I die, I want to...

1. ...graduate from college. (5/14/95)
2. ...get an amazing job. (8/7/95)
3. ...get an even more amazing job. (2/8/99)
3. ...finish my internship. (2/8/01)
4. ...marry "The Man Of My Dreams." (4/7/01)
5. ...become a mother. (9/18/01)
6. ...buy a home of my own. (1/15/03)
7. ...serve as President of my sorority's local alumnae chapter. (4/26/03)
7. ...be elected or appointed to an Area or National Officer position in my sorority.
8. ...be promoted to the GS-12 grade level. (11/16/03)
9. ...be promoted to the GS-13 grade level.
10. ...finish my Master's.
11. ...earn my Doctorate.
12. ...become an adult literacy volunteer and help bring the gift of reading to others.
13. ...weigh 135 pounds.
14. ...visit New York City.
15. ...see Josh Groban in concert. (2/4/04)
16. ...sing live and in-person with Josh Groban.
17. ...own my own business.
18. ...forgive Vicky (but not forget - note the difference).
19. ...forgive Scott (and forget, too...).
20. ...re-establish contact with Doug.
21. ...become completely fluent in the French language.
22. ...start my own business.
23. ...see my parents holding my grandchildren in their arms.
24. ...go to Australia with Curtis.
25. ...write and publish a book.
26. ...record an album.
27. ...fight for the greater good - and win.
28. ...see abortion made illegal - forever.
29. ...adopt a child.
30. ...go to law school.
31. ...be on the radio (as an on-air personality).
32. ...be on the radio (singing my little heart out!).
33. ...feel 100% comfortable in my own skin about 90% of the time.
34. ...think about "that time in my life" without crying uncontrollably.
35. ...muster up the courage to call "that person" and begin a healing dialogue for us both. (3/31/05)


Many blessings, dear friends.

-Jennifer

Human Dignity

"I feel the duty to reaffirm strongly that the intrinsic value and personal dignity of every human being do not change, no matter what the concrete circumstances of his or her life."

- Pope John Paul II

Our Angel Returns To Heaven

God bless you, beautiful Terri. May your spirit run free and your soul live in peace with the angels.

To the Schindler family, I send my love and prayers. May God bless you with peace and comfort and strength during this incomprehensibly difficult time. I know I'm just one of many supportive strangers to you, but my heart and love go out to you more than I can say. Even though I may be just one person, I won't forget your daughter or the brave fight that you fought to save her life.

Finally, to all those who have loved and prayed for Terri in these few years with me, my love, thoughts, prayers, and energies are with you as well. Please love the people God has blessed you with. Your family and friends are the greatest gifts God can give you...even above health and life. There's no point to living if you can't live in love. God knows this, and places people in our lives accordingly. If you have been blessed with the gift of love...ANY love...please honor it today and always. Make that long overdue phone call. Give an extra hug and kiss (or two or twenty). Contact your attorneys, make known your final wishes, and enjoy the blessings and graces of good and healthy lives.

lundi, mars 28, 2005

Jen's Perpetual Life's List

I meant to post this earlier and completely forgot. This is my perpetual life's "to-do" list. It's not all-inclusive, nor does it reflect the dreams I had prior to, oh, about age 20 or so. As new events and ideas come along, this list will be reflected accordingly. Here's yet another chance for you, gentle reader, to get to know your Jennifer a little bit better. Enjoy!

Before I die, I want to...

1. ...graduate from college (5/14/95)
2. ...get an amazing job (8/7/95)
3. ...get an even more amazing job (2/8/99)
3. ...finish my internship (2/8/01)
4. ...marry "The Man Of My Dreams" (4/7/01)
5. ...become a mother (9/18/01)
6. ...buy a home of my own (1/15/03)
7. ...serve as President of my sorority's local alumnae chapter (4/26/03)
7. ...be elected or appointed to an Area or National Officer position in my sorority
8. ...be promoted to the GS-12 grade level (11/16/03)
9. ...be promoted to the GS-13 grade level
10. ...finish my Master's
11. ...earn my Doctorate
12. ...become an adult literacy volunteer and help bring the gift of reading to others
13. ...weigh 135 pounds
14. ...visit New York City
15. ...see Josh Groban in concert (2/4/04)
16. ...sing live and in-person with Josh Groban
17. ...own my own business
18. ...forgive Vicky (but not forget - note the difference)
19. ...forgive Scott (and forget, too...)
20. ...re-establish contact with Doug
21. ...become completely fluent in the French language
22. ...start my own business
23. ...see my parents holding my grandchildren in their arms
24. ...go to Australia with Curtis
25. ...write and publish a book
26. ...record an album
27. ...fight for the greater good - and win.
28. ...see abortion made illegal. Forever.
29. ...adopt a child
30. ...go to law school
31. ...be on the radio (as an on-air personality)
32. ...be on the radio (singing my little heart out!)
33. ...feel 100% comfortable in my own skin about 90% of the time
34. ...think about "that time in my life" without crying uncontrollably
35. ...muster up the courage to call "that person" and begin a healing dialogue for us both


There you have it!

Big, Beating Heart

Hi everyone and welcome to a new week. Can you believe that April begins this week? Wow. I swear to you, it was just Christmas last week. I hope that you all had a fantastic Easter and that your week is off to a good start!

Had a good day today! Busy. Conducted another focus group and am putting the finishing touches on "the big project" that has so totally and completely consumed my everysinglesolitarythoughtandenergy these last several weeks. I hear that awful singer (if you can call her that) Sheryl Crow singing to me in the distance..."a change will do you good." Quite good. I need a vacation! We're talking about taking some time off this spring and heading home to Indianapolis to visit my family, which makes me so happy. I miss them something terrible. Curt's grandfather (yes, I said grandfather!) is getting married (!!!) this summer, and we're heading up to Nebraska for the big day. Looking forward to that, too. I think I am going to make a vow to myself to try to get more rest this week. I think that'd make the week seem less stressful, even as everysinglesolitarything at the office pulls and tugs at me. Hopefully that will help.

Lots of love all around me today, and it feels good. Today is the first day in a long, long time that I've just felt totally good. No sinus infection. No nagging worries about work. No self-imposed Terri Schiavo stress. Just breathing and happy to be alive and in love and to have the existence I have. Mom and Dad sent us an Easter package which, due to the promptness of the United States Postal Service, arrived today vice Thursday when it was promised (thanks, guys!). I may be 33 and an old married mom, but I tellya, I still love to get care packages from home. It's like college. I remember my Mom always made me these amazing care packages...food, candy, cookies, clothes, presents...you name it. And the first weekend she came to campus and met my friends, well, that was all she wrote. Every package after that had goodies for each of my friends, too. She was quite the cult classic in our little clique! Now it makes Erin so happy when she sees a package from Grammy and Pappaw. Her little face and eyes just light up and she smiles and says "Is THAT for ME?!?!?!?" :) Cutie! And I am happy to be loved by a wonderful, amazing man. And to have a marriage filled with life and love and laughter and continual support and understanding. He's a blessing...one I never thought I would find and certainly don't deserve. And I am thankful for someone from my past...thoughts of whom have been filling my mind lately. I sent two long overdue EMAIL messages tonight, one to a somewhat new friend and the other to someone very special to me...my sorority little sister (who was also my Maid of Honor). Just feels good to love and be loved. As corny as it undoubtedly sounds. :)

I think I'll close up shop for now. Gonna go love on my family a bit. Have a fantastic night, friends!

(Oh...before I go...check out a great new blog I found today! Finally...someone snarky, yet wonderful...like me!)

Bye bye! :)

dimanche, mars 27, 2005

Happy Resurrection Day, Everyone!

It's hard to believe it, but it's really Easter Sunday. Many blessings to you on this special day, my loyal readers. Hope that you and your families have a blessed and wonderful day!

This has been a very difficult week for me. Personally, professionally, you name it. Work is going well and I am enjoying what I am doing. I love feeling like I make a contribution to "the greater good." I love it that I work in a building where everyone knows my name (insert the theme music from "Cheers" here) and where I am respected and liked and have a lot of friends. I love it that I finally have a strong working knowledge of my field (which, let me add, I never thought would happen). I love my co-workers and it's wonderful to be a part of their families (and to have them in ours, as well). But I am slowly coming to abhor the time and energy that work takes from my life. It's a long drive to-and-fro (and yes, I knew that when I bought this house...), and I workworkwork all day and giveandgiveandgive of myself there. By the time I get home, it's often 6:00 or so and I am exhausted. I want to be one of those super-mom sorts...you know the type. Who can cook and clean and be involved with her community and church and hold a full-time job and be successful while simultaneously and quite wonderfully taking care of a family. I think it's an unfair expectation...one that I am placing on myself. To have a healthy and happy child and marriage and a strong career is a wonderful thing. I am blessed beyond measure. I need to tell myself that everything else is just gravy. Gravy that can come at another, less busy time in my life, perhaps.

On the personal end, I've made a difficult decision. I've spent a lot of my time and energy (and tears and worry and prayers) in the last several months on the Terri Schiavo case. As horribly selfish as I fear this makes me seem, I just can't do it anymore. My heart and prayers and love are with Terri and the Schindler family. But I just don't have the emotional fortitude to let this consume me any longer. This is in God's hands. I know He isn't happy, but He knows what's best. And what's NOT best is for me to spend the amount of time and worry (and literally, the nausea and tears) on this. I can't do anything. I'm powerless, save the grace of prayer. A long time ago my mother told me that there were just things in this life that we as humans were not meant to understand. And that someday...in Heaven...God would explain to us anything we wanted to know. Back then, I remembered thinking about all of the things I'd ask God when it was my turn. "Why is the sky blue and not purple?" "Now does my heart know to keep beating when I am asleep?" "How is it that you see and hear and know everything about everyone at all times?" How I sometimes wish I still had that same child-like innocence and saw the world through the purity of those eyes. I just have to trust that God has this under control. Perhaps Terri was chosen for something greater than we can see. Or maybe she was sent to teach us about loving through the most horrible and scary of circumstances. I've written a draft of a living will, and we're planning to see an attorney soon to verbalize and formalize our wishes, both for our own medical care and for the care and upbringing of our daughter should we both die. Maybe that's the message Terri taught us...that we have to do now what we have put off. That life doesn't wait to bring you tragedy until you're "totally caught up with things." It's strange. I don't even know this woman (other than what we've seen in the media and what I've read in these last several months), but yet I feel like I am so involved. Like she was my sister, too. Maybe this is selfish, but I've had to say my "goodbye" to her this week in order to, well, just survive. I thank God for the safety and health of my own family and pray for all of us, including you my readers, that we are all always safe and free from harm and injury and crime and sadness and sickness. Please, my friends, I beg of you. Take care of yourselves and your families. Please. If you do that, Terri doesn't die in vain, and this tragedy will bring about good in all of our lives.

On the happier end of things, Curt's family is coming over for Easter today, which will be nice. He smokes an amazing ham on our smoker (YUM!), and I'm making green bean casserole and dessert and salad. My amazing mother-in-law makes a delicious potato recipe and WONDERFUL wheat rolls, so those will be on our table as well. You HAVE to try this dessert, folks. I am not a coffee person myself, but it's really quite tasty. My husband is the quintessential coffee fan, and I made this dessert for him to celebrate his first flight lesson. Whoah mah goodness, did he go ape! Since his family are all coffee fanatics, too, he suggested that we make this again for today. Try it! :)

I loved "ER" last Thursday night. Neela is gorgeous. Just gorgeous. And I am thrilled that she and Gallant are together. I've always liked him, and I hope he'll be back to stay after his tour ends in Iraq. That scene where she sees him and runs to him...wow. I just cried. If anyone can tell me what that song is called...the one that is played as they reunite there on the street...I'd really appreciate it. Speaking of songs, the song that's played as the episode ends is called "I'll Find A Way," and it's by Rachael Yamagata. It's beautiful, and I can't stop playing it. I was glad to see that Napster had it! Speaking of "ER" and Napster, check out Punjabi MC's "Beware Boys (Mundian To Bach Ke)." I love that!

(I told you guys that I had an unhealthy addiction to my television shows and their characters!)

I'm off. Have a great Easter, friends!

mercredi, mars 23, 2005

Same Song, Second Verse...

(...a little bit louder, and a whole lot worse!)

Hi Everyone.

Two posts in one day! Oh, the shock of it all!!! :)

Well, I'm absolutely heartsick and astounded by the complete and total lack of intervention and support for Terri Schiavo. You know, there's a huge part of me that agrees with what appears to be the masses. The government shouldn't intervene in matters of private family choices and decisions...when there is concrete proof that those wishes were indeed expressed, and in a manner free of duress and illness and strain. In this case, there's absolutely nothing to substantiate that animal's claim that his beautiful wife would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially. In all actuality (and assuming that the reports of abuse and neglect are all true), it certainly gives the appearance of the polar opposite. I mean, if we went to court over a "supposed" oral promise I made to you ("Jen promised me she'd give me her new MP3 player and she didn't."), wouldn't there need to at least be something in writing to prove your allegations? In my professional field (Federal Human Resources), we advise our managers until we're blue in the face to document, document, document, document every single instance of any misconduct or performance problem. Why, you ask? Because the agency simply wouldn't be able to substantiate "due process" should a disciplinary action be appealed in the absence of significant written proof of counseling, behavioral warnings, etc. So let me understand this...I can't fire a slug who spends his day downloading animal porn photos without mountains of photographic evidence, but this nation will allow a selfish, heartless man to starve his innocent, invalid wife without ANY written documentation? Someone please help me understand that, because I just do not. Of course, there are always two sides to every story, and I am certain that there is a huge component to this case that we just do not know. All we can do is surmise, based on our own internal morals and the information provided to us by the mass media, what is and isn't correct and factual. The evidence that Mr. Schiavo is a menacing monster is overwhelming. It would take me ages to hyperlink it all here...you can go to your favorite search engine and find it for yourself relatively easily. It all points to him as a cruel, selfish, heartless man. But let's say for a second that he's not. (I mean, he IS...even if he didn't abuse Terri, deny her access to medical care and her family and fresh air and Christmas decorations and music and her priest, call her a "fucking bitch," melt down her wedding ring, use all of the monies she was awarded for medical care on his own selfish life and attorneys, put her animals to sleep, the list goes on and on...HE SHACKED UP WITH AT LEAST ONE OTHER WOMAN WHILE HE WAS STILL LEGALLY AND MORALLY BOUND TO TERRI IN MARRIAGE!!!) (sorry...where was I?) (oh yeah)...let's say for a moment that he truly is telling us the truth. She truly did tell him that she would never desire to be kept alive in this kind of manner. Why, then...

1. ...wouldn't he have spent every single waking second of the last 15 years working to ensure his wife's wishes were carried out? And before you spew any bullshit at me that "that's exactly what he's doing," why the fuck hasn't he been doing this for the entire duration of his wife's invalidity? Seems like he waited until, oh, 5 or 6 years in to the game before any allegations of "her not wanting to live this way" were ever introduced. He claims to have attended nursing school to care for her. Why? I mean, if she was wanting to die, wouldn't he have spent every waking second of his existence lobbying Congress and enlisting the help of every single individual he could find in order to change laws and make his wife's final wish a reality? What did he do with the last 15 years? Whored around with at least two women (Ms. Centonze and at least one other woman...one who had to be legally compelled to testify on behalf of Mr. and Mrs. Schindler, as she feared for her own safety because of that bastard's abuse). Where are the books he could have written? Did he travel and tour, speaking out and trying to rally support and understanding? What about that website that he could-have-but-never-created? You know, the one intending to drum up understanding and support? Oh yeah...he was too busy moving on with his life to do that.

2. ...wouldn't he have taken every step possible to ensure that his wife's existence was as comfortable, clean, healthy, and safe as possible? Remember, we're assuming here that (1) she truly wouldn't want to be kept alive in this fashion and (2) Mr. Schiavo was having legal difficulty getting the authority to terminate her life. These things considered, wouldn't it have been proper for him to at least make her mandated existence the best it possibly could be? By all accounts, he denied her access to Communion, her priest, her parents, her friends, music, medicine to treat infections, dental care...you name it. Why wouldn't he have tried to at LEAST make her existence as comfortable and happy as possible?

I could go on and on here. And the more I type, the more unhappy this is making me. I'll shut up now, but end this topic by simply saying that if the State of Florida is allowed to starve and dehydrate Terri to death, it will be crime. Against human life and against decency and against love.

So, so, so sad.

Anyway...

My focus groups went wonderfully today. Initially, I'd invited 12 participants to come to each of the four groups, with a fifth group (Union personnel and stewards) to come at a later date. In order of appearance, my groups consisted of 2, 12, 9, and 5 wonderful employees, all of whom contributed and gave us valuable ideas and feedback. And I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be! One of my colleagues later told me that she thought I was "amazing at this" - that I was a good listener and that I recognized people well and helped draw the silent types out...and that she could tell that everyone felt welcomed and needed. That was a compliment of the highest order, let me tell you! Anyway, I'm glad they're over. Now, the data analysis begins.....(lovely, nothing turns me on more than mathematical computations and statistical analyses *excusemeIamvomitingrightnow*)

Well, it's 6:04 in the p.m. and I suppose I'd better mosey on outta here and make some chow for my hungry family!

Chow! :)

"Appeals Panel Won't Order Schiavo Fed"

I am just heartsick and stunned. I don't understand how or why this is happening.

I'm off to work. Four focus groups and a ton of paperwork await me.

Sad Jen out!

mardi, mars 22, 2005

Who's This JEN Girl You're Talkin' 'Bout?

Well Howdy!

It's me! Who, you ask? Jen! It's me! The cute, funny, slightly weird, chubby chick who happens to be the tenant of this blog! (Oh yeah, thaaaaaat Jen!) Yes, I know I'm a little late sometimes (read: "most of the time") with the rent, but I do still love living here in BlogVille(tm). Tellya what, I'll make it more of a priority to keep up my place if you promise not to evict me. ;)

Actually, I've been thinking about this blog for a long, long, long time. So much has been happening, both to me and in the world proper, and I've thought on many an occasion, "I should really blog about this." Not really sure what possessed me, but tonight, I checked my blog EMAIL and found a wonderful letter from a new friend. Her note couldn't have been more perfectly timed:


----- Original Message -----
From: XXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX
Sent: Monday, March 21, 2005 4:22 PM
Subject: Your wonderful Blog


Hi Jennifer!
I stumbled across your blog and just loved it.... until I got to the pro-GWBush part. But really, the rest of it I just loved. You are funny and intelligent, and I'll bet your little Angel will inherit all of that from you. Keep blogging.... you really have a gift.

Sincerely,
Robyn


That was all the motivation I needed to get back on the BlogTrack(tm)! So to my new friend Robyn, I tip my hat and say a hearty "thanks" for bringing me back to BlogVille(tm). You can get to know Robyn better by visiting her blog. Tell her Jen sent you. :)

So anyway, it's been a mad last several weeks. Let's see, we had three birthday's (Daddy's, mine, and Curt's), I've been out of town for a sorority conference, I took two classes outside the office, and have been exceptionally busy at the office. As a matter of fact, these last few weeks have been amongst my most hectic and active professionally-speaking, of course. It's great to be busy and to be "a part," and I love it that I'm doing something meaningful. But sometimes, it would be nice to slow down and enjoy the ride a bit. Please keep your fingers crossed for me as I embark tomorrow on a big "first" - leading focus groups. FOUR OF THEM! After all of this work, it will be nice to get the perspective of the masses. We'll see. :)

Curtis took his flying lesson, which he loved! Loved, loved, loved! He's making plans to continue on with the program and actually get his private pilot's license. I am so excited for him! He was so adorable on the drive home from the lesson. He called me on his cell phone and just went on and on about how cool it was and how much fun he had. That was a damned good present. Next Christmas, I'll have one hell of a time trying to top that one!

(Curt'll be facing a similar challenge. I am totally and completely in love with the Samsung YH-820 that he bought me for my birthday! LOVE IT!! I have become quite the little Napster girl!)

Hmmmm...what else, what else? The Terri Schiavo case has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time...long before the media's significant and continual coverage of and attention to the case. And many, many a time (when I was more actively blogging), I wanted to throw in my commentary about it. There's really not much I can say about this that hasn't been said already. The Internet is teeming with blogs and commentary, nearly all of which, I agree with. I'll simply say this and be done with it. That beautiful woman deserves the opportunity to heal and to live in love. How anyone can read the reports and view the videos and think that she's "dead" (note: I intentionally used quote marks there...read in to that what you will) is absolutely beyond me. She is very much alive. The creature to whom she is married is a despicable, disgusting individual. Never in my life have I seen such a blatant and selfish disregard for human life. And it sickens me to no end. Because this has been a huge part of my spirit and heart (and prayers and worries and energies) for the last several months (and because almost every time I think about/discuss the case, I get exceptionally upset), I won't say much more. I'll simply say that this amazing woman and her courageous, brave family need your prayers and love and support so desperately. Time is running out. I'll end with a warning to Mr. Schiavo's "live-in fiancee," Jodi Centonze. Get out. Run, as fast as you can...as far as you can...away from that man. As was likely the case with Terri (read the reports), I'd bet the world that Mr. Schiavo is emotionally and physically abusive to Ms. Centonze (and probably, their children as well). I can't even imagine what her life is like...and their KIDS, Jesus. I can't even imagine. God forbid it should ever come to pass that Ms. Centonze or one of their children should become invalid or grossly incapacitated. History has demonstrated to us all exactly what would happen. As a mother, Ms. Centonze owes a better life to her children. And, really, to herself.

It's all just so, so, so sad.

On that note, I'll close up shop and head out to catch the news. It's good to be back, everyone. Hope you missed me as much as I missed you. :) Jen OUT! :)