In Suspended Animation....

Hi everyone. What a day it has been.

This afternoon, there was a full-scale, immediate evacuation of our facility. No reasons were given. No explanations. Just "get out...NOW!" It was about 4:00 this afternoon...after many of our folks have headed home for the day. Still, though, we're in a very large Federal building with numerous agencies contained therein. Many people work past 5:00 (some even past 6:00). It was scary and it happened so fast. One of my dear colleagues and I were the only ones left in the office, and she (God love her) is so strong and so solid and stable. Me, on the other hand...what a joke. No courage. No ability to self-reason and believe that, in the absence of any information, that the news wasn't catastrophic. All I could think of was the morning of September 11, 2001. It all came flooding back to me. And so my amazing colleague/friend/sister (who I truly love) kept me calm and got me out of the building. Immediately when we walked out the door, we noticed the helicopter flying over our building and police everywhere. One Federal Police Services officer was on his walkie-talkie discussing the immediate evacuation of the Federal day care center on our little plot of land. That's when my friend looked at me and said, "Something's wrong." My heart was in my throat for what seemed like an eternity as I battled traffic to get back home to Gardner. I thought to myself that surely the radio would let us know of any problems or dangers...any, God forbid, terrorist attacks or violent incidents that may have taken place. No such luck. It was normal Kansas City radio-ish stuff for a 4:00 afternoon....a commercial for Olathe Ford and ZZ Top's "Legs" and a whole lot of verbal bloviations about absolutely nothing. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. The same thing happened on 09/11 as I drove home from work shortly before our site was evacuated and closed (I was pregnant and scared and left before they forced me out). The entire drive, no one said anything on the radio. They played music and commercials like it was nothing. Nothing. Once I got home, CNN and the local news channels had no information for me, either. All of this means, I'm guessing, that everything is OK. Something happened and they needed to get everyone out and so they did. My boss and I were on the phone when the first news of the evacuation came in, and she raised her voice to me and said "GO JEN!" She never raises her voice to me. I knew something was wrong. It's been a few hours now and the freak-out in my spirit is slowly being replaced with calm curiousity, but lemme tellya, I was really freaked out this afternoon. Really. Tonight, I am waiting by the phone for my amazing boss to call with the word on what happened and the decision of the General Services Administration and/or the Kansas City Federal Executive Board regarding working tomorrow. I just hope that everyone is OK and that whatever happened today is minor.

I've not had a technologically happy last several days at work, and during one of my numerous down-times today at the office, I plunked out the below blog post with the thought in mind that I'd upload it tonight and catch all of you up on my life. So here you go...it's in italics below. Enjoy!

Hi everyone,

What’s new and exciting? Hope that the last week has been kinder to all of you than it has been to me. It’s good to actually take a second and b-r-e-a-t-h-e and relax and post. You know, I bet I’d feel a lot better if I’d actually blog out all of my work and other frustrations. I mean, I talk about them with my family and friends, but it always seems to feel so much better when I type the words out. Somehow, things that look so monumentally huge really don’t have that same awful luster when reading about them in the printed word.

The major “bad” thing that has occupied me emotionally and physically in the last seven days is work. Now, when most people complain about work, it’s because they hate what they do, their bosses, their colleagues, their pay, their benefits, etc. etc. ad nauseum. Not me. I love what I do, adore the people I work with, and am better compensated for what I do than I probably deserve to be. No, this week your favorite minty momma was professionally frustrated because of technology. In every conceivable way that technology could have failed me last week, it did. I was already behind after having been gone to Nashville, and there I sat, ready and willing to catch up on old SF-39s and requisitions, yet completely powerless to DO anything. Our amazing systems person was in Indianapolis briefing and assisting the folks there (who actually took over our little DEU while I was in Nashville...long story), and so I had no expert guidance. Try as they may, my local and Indianapolis colleagues tried to help me, but it was for naught. It is exceptionally frustrating to be rendered unable to perform the essential tasks of your position when you are dependent upon an unstable technological resource to accomplish your mission. Technology is supposed to HELP us. You know, to make our lives EASIER and our jobs more EFFICIENT. That was not the case this past week, at least not at the office. The story gets better. Today, our systems person was back with us and she actually had me up and rockin’ and rollin’.......and the entire network shut down. No Resumix. No Oracle. No Internet. No EMAIL. No nothin’. So just as my momentum kicked riiiigght back up, it walked riiiight out the door. Delicious. I guess the good news is that, with the network down, no new SF-39s can come to me! The bad news, however, is that once that network is up, so too will my inbox fill with MORE SF-39s. Work, work go away...come again another day...

Not long ago, I blogged about the former friend from my past who broke my heart and betrayed me by seeing my then-boyfriend behind my back. You won’t believe how this circle has turned. In the last few weeks, she and I have been exchanging EMAILs and talking (against my better judgment and that of several of my dear online friends who have advised me on this matter). What I am finding out about myself here is really interesting. I’m finding that I am better able to let go than I gave myself credit for. For years, I’ve held on to so much anger and hurt and bitterness. I blamed her so much for so many things, and I allowed myself to be resentful and cruel and closed my heart to her. I’ve heard her side of the story in these last several EMAIL exchanges, and I believe her when she apologizes to me for having hurt me. From what she has told me, there were numerous things that neither she nor I knew. Things happened that we weren’t aware of. Life has also dealt her some harsh blows in the years since that cold, horrible Christmas Eve I’ve spoken with you about. Perhaps if I’d actually listened to her all those years ago when she tried to talk to me (versus writing her off as a “bitch and a whore”), the feelings that I carried for her all these years might have been less sharp and poisonous. It’s funny how things affect you...and you’re not even aware of it. Had you asked me then (or hell, even one month ago) what I thought of and how I felt for this woman, the venomous vitriol that I’d have uttered would have surprised you. I didn’t realize that, all those years, some of the personal insecurities that I carried inside my spirit were directly attributed to what she had done to me. Hearing her talk now, I see the beauty of the past...the things that I couldn’t possibly have seen then. The life I have no pales in comparison to the life she has. She’s not happy. She’s lonely. She has no money. Her parents are deceased and her biological sister has nothing to do with her. She loves her family, but she isn’t the same happy, sweet person I remember her being all those years. In all honesty, I feel sorry for her. She made a horrible choice and lost the one person she was closest to in this world (me). I, on the other hand, have this amazing life that I’m still not truly certain I deserve. I have come so far from that horrible time in my life, and I see now that God deliberately assembled the parts and players so that the past could happen exactly as it did. (Anyone else hearing strains of “God blessed the broken road, that led me straaaaight to you....” playing?). It’s amazing how time and experience shape you. I had no idea that it would be this easy to let go. And forgive. Not forget, mind you, but to let go and to not hold tightly to feelings of extreme anger and cruel bitterness. Every negative, horrible feeling that you carry so weighs down your spirit and your soul, even if you don’t realize it. And the freedom that you feel when you let go...that sweet, sweet release, is so amazing. Does all of this mean that I see a place for her in my life? No. Not really. But it’s wonderful to reclaim all of the energy spent hating her and wishing for her to be miserable...and to USE that energy for the wonderful and good things and people in my life. I didn’t know I had it in me to actually forgive. For so many years, I grappled with what the entire concept of “forgiveness” truly meant. I’ve still got lots of learning and growing to do, but I think I’m on my way. I’m going to be just fine.

Let’s see...here are several random bits of JenNews(tm) to entice you:

1. Erin started swimming lessons tonight, and she goes back to school on August 16th. I cannot believe that the summer is almost over. It has really flown by.

2. Speaking of the fall rapidly approaching, life up at the sorority house is about to get crazy-busy as well. I’ve already faced some interesting challenges in this advisory position, and I am still nervous that I’ll be able to handle this and give it and the girls the support they deserve. Am I the right choice for this position? (Fuck, this is very “Broken Record” of me...how many times have I bloviated about this? Can I get a shot of self-esteem and another of courage in my Caramel Macchiato, please?)

3. Certain individuals with whom I have recently reconnected are really, really pissing me off. Truthfully, people. Is it really that fucking hard to click the “REPLY” button and send me a response when I’ve taken time out of my (exceptionally) busy schedule to send you an EMAIL? Don’t want to reconnect with old friends? Stay the hell off Classmates and don’t key in your high school information on your MySpace page. Got it? It’s hurtful! (Christ, that makes me sound exceptionally immature. Oh fucking well.)

4. Remember the interview I had for the position I reallyreallyreally wanted? The one where they didn’t hire me, but said that it was because of budgetary constraints? Guess what? They’re trying like the dickens to get me. Apparently, they’ve tried to scrape the budget barrels of their other departments to no avail, and now they may try to inter-agency detail me so that I could come and work for them until they got final funding and could reassign me. Wow. It sure felt good to know that they really, really wanted me...and that they’d go to so many lengths to make me one of their own. I may just beat this BRAC after all...

5. I’m really looking forward to the August 9th release of “World Trade Center.” The trailer makes me cry every time I see it.

6. I’m absolutely LOVING “Home” by Marc Broussard. Wow, that guy can SING. I can't believe he's only 24. The only way that you could possibly improve on that song (which would be tough) would be for my beautiful Taylor Hicks to sing it.