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"One woman's life journey of love, laughter, and lipgloss..."

vendredi, juin 30, 2006

Return Of The Big-Fat-Fucking-Favor

(I'll tellya straight up, folks - this is gonna be a LONG post. Please grab a chair and a cold drink because you'll be here a while.)

Happy Friday, people! I can't believe that it's almost the 4th of July already. It's odd...it seems like more and more, I find myself saying "I can't believe it's already XYZ" and feeling like time is just flying by me. Is this a sign of age? Am I getting old? I feel old. So, so old. Just last night, I re-connected with yet another dear old friend from high school, who has three (!!!) daughters, the oldest of which is 13! THIRTEEN! How is it humanly possible that we are old enough to have THIRTEEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN?! Where did the years go? I swear, it feels just like yesterday that I was staying late for drama rehearsals with Dave and Sean (who, I hope, read this entry) and tooling around in my yellow Chevette (remember that, Dave?) and hanging out at "Rocky" on the weekends (someone pass me the toilet paper, please!!!)

OK...on to a more serious topic. I need your help with something. One of my not-so-fond memories of yesteryear has come back to bite me square in the ass, and now the ball is in my court regarding what to do next. For many years in grade school and throughout all of high school, I was very close to a girl one year younger than me. We went to the same elementary school, and although we went to separate high schools, we were together all the time and were always on the phone when we weren't physically together. She never missed a play that I was in. She came to visit me when I had surgery, and I remember her washing my hair for me after I got home. My surgery was ovarian and I couldn't bend and I had a hard time moving. She was always a part of whatever and wherever I was throughout high school. And then college happened...

...I'll skip the gory details and cut straight to the chase. I didn't have a lot of luck with the fellas in high school, and so my first college boyfriend, well, he was just everything to me. He had his share (and then some) of problems, and the relationship was unhealthy, at best. The emotional abuse I suffered at his hands was terrible, and I fed all of that to my friend...my trusty companion upon whom I depended and who knew all of my secrets. The boyfriend and I were having yet another shaky period, and I found out via mutual friends that he and my friend were spending a lot of time together...a LOT of time together...as in overnights and very physical time (i.e., always seeming to hug or touch somehow). I was blessed to have such amazing friends who wanted me to know the truth...who wanted me to be shielded from the pain of deception, but who also wanted me to know the truth. I confronted them both around the Thanksgiving time period, and they both looked me in the eye and denied any wrongdoing. Flash forward one month to Christmas Eve and envision she and I alone in a rusty spoon restaurant. And me crying and in sheer amazement as she confides in me that she and he are "in love" and that they are now starting a life together. That was Christmas Eve, 1991.

In the years that followed, she made numerous attempts to contact me. She'd EMAIL me directly. She'd send letters to my parents. You name it. And then she fell off the face of the planet. I've blogged about her before (she's on my "100 Things About Jen" post), but I never really sought her out to put to rest all of the sadness and heartbreak. Well, she sought me out last night, and in my ongoing quest to become a sane adult, I actually responded to her EMAIL. Here's the basic premise of the EMAIL traffic so far:

HER: Hi...it's been a while...so sorry that I hurt you...I hope you will respond to me but I understand if you don't...I pray for you and think of you often...I have lots to say to you...etc. etc.

ME: Yep, it's been a spell...I am just fine and happy...thanks for the well wishes...say whatever it is that you feel needs to be said...etc. etc.

HER: I am so sorry...but you hurt me too...I didn't sleep with him while you two were together...we are married and have two kids...are you happy and healthy....hope so...I can understand if you don't apologize, but I wanted you to know that you hurt me, too...etc. ad nauseum.

And herein lies my dilemma. I don't really feel I owe her an apology. OK, I will admit that I was a complete bitch to and about her after all of this broke. I referred to her in some very unsavory terms (you can figure those out for yourselves, I'm certain). Did I tell people that she slept with my boyfriend? You betcha. Did I probably embellish a little more than necessary when re-canting this story to friends and passers-by? Probably. But I did truly feel that she betrayed me. The guy, well, he was no big hoo-ra. And, in truth, she did me a big, fat, fucking favor by removing me from his path. I can't even imagine how horrible my life with him would be today. But still...the fact remains that someone I shared my heart and life with...someone who saw me at my most vulnerable on NUMEROUS occasions...someone who had complete and total access to me would do what she did. If you've seen the horrible movie "Closer," you may remember a scene between the amazing Natalie Portman and Jude Law. He tells her that he loves someone else, and she says something to the effect of, "There is always a point. Yes, you can't control who you fall in love with. But there is always a point...a point where you see yourself heading in a certain direction and you choose whether or not the path continues." And I felt then and truly feel today that that is true. In hindsight, she did me a favor. I have an amazing life...one I sometimes still wonder if I truly deserve, but for which I am grateful with every beat of my heart. Forgiveness for me is a difficult concept to embrace. As a 34-year-old Catholic, you'd think I'd have this one down pat. Not even close. Is it possible to forgive...to wish no ill will and to want no harm to come to the other individual...but to also view the person as nonexistent? I can't ever be her friend again. How could I ever trust her to be an intimate part of my life again? But is it truly possible to part with the hurt and the anger and to just view someone as blank? As clear? As transparent? As invisible? Or is that true forgiveness?

(Oh yeah, and I'm not sorry I said what I said to and about her...not sure how to deal with that one, either.)

2 Comments:

At 6/30/2006 09:53:00 PM, Anonymous Anonyme said...

Hey sweetie, I'm really sorry you're having a tough time right now. I can understand how you might not know what to do, and I'll throw in my two cents.

Number 1, what she did was WRONG. Morally, she and the ex snuck around your back for months before you finally had to confront them about the lying and sneaking. I feel a little angry that she's saying they didn't "sleep together" while you were together as if that makes all the difference in the world. They certainly probably were doing just about everything else including violating your trust!

So, whatever was said and done after that period is nothing that you should (and I believe don't) feel any shame over. She VIOLATED your friendship and lied and cheated. The sad part of it all is that you lost not only a boy, but a friend. I don't truly believe she really was a best friend in the manner she treated you.

However, all things happen for a reason. Reason 1, to remove a unworthy boy from your path to make room for Mr. Right and number 2, to remove a friend from your life that truly wasn't your best. I really do believe that.

So...closing back to the email train, here's what I think. THERE IS NO WAY you owe her an apology. None, zip, zero, nada! She's obviously feeling guilty and it's weighing on her, but I feel if she truly was looking to put the past behind and clear this up she would say simply, "I'm sorry, and I know I was wrong. I don't expect you to forgive me for it, but I needed to let you know." And then she would stop contacting you.

By the same context I would say this, I've had a lot of experience cutting bad or negative or unhealthy people out of my lives and once they're out I can never let them back in. I truly believe you can forgive, not her, but your heart and let the history go and let her go on with her life (not so lovely maybe=) ) and your wonderful one and be thankful for the fullness of your life.

Whew! That was a lot of typing. I'm stepping off my soapbox now. I'm here for you, if you ever want to chat feel free to email me. Night! Happy Fourth!

 
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