My Bloviation Celebration!: How Do You Define A Life?

lundi, mars 06, 2006

How Do You Define A Life?

Hi everyone.

Today, I got to thinking about the heart. My heart, specifically. No, not clinical heart-related stuff (my blood pressure was fine when last checked, and I feel generally OK). I'm talking about the sentimentality...the parts of your heart that you give, that you share, that you hold for yourself, and that are "out there" floating amongst the world proper. Not long ago, I read a poll on a BBS I occasionally frequent about "what defines you"...how do you characterize yourself? By your family roles? Your job? Your socioeconomic status? I didn't participate in that poll, but if I'd done so, I imagine my response would have centered around my loves. Who and what I love (and have loved) and how each has influenced who I am.

First and foremost, my absolute love is my family. For every hardship we experienced, we came through stronger and smarter. I didn't have a perfect childhood, but I know and believe with all my heart that my parents did everything they could to ensure that I was healthy and happy and that I had a good life and upbringing. It's so hard to be away from them geographically, and I am so thankful that we live in a day and age where technology makes the physical miles between loved ones much easier to bear. Daddy will always be the first man I ever loved...the smartest (and funniest) guy on the face of the planet...the man I most want to be impressed with and proud of me. Mom was always there for everything. Every play, every concert, every school event. She inspired a love of learning in me, taught me to believe in myself, and loved me unconditionally even when I felt (and still sometimes do feel) unworthy of love. My husband and daughter are the biggest surprises that God has ever given to me. While I absolutely held the common dream of all young girls...to fall in love with "that perfect guy" and have a wonderful life, I certainly never thought I'd ever find that joy. I truly believed in the "there's one person for everyone" mentality, but as I got older, I began to believe with my whole heart that I was the exception to that rule. And it hurt something fierce. When Curtis came in to my life, I certainly wasn't expecting to fall in love...or to find the man with whom I'd share my life for the rest of my days. God led me on an amazing journey that brought me, heartbreaks and all, right to where I was supposed to be - in Curt's arms. The addition of our beautiful daughter was doubly unexpected. I was so sure that I'd never be able to have children (because of my ovarian problems), but God blessed us with the surprise of a lifetime when we learned Erin was alive and growing inside me. The day she was born was the scariest (and later, most beautiful) day of my life. I can still see her little pink face, so tight and squished up. Her tiny, premature little body was so frail...so precious and fragile. Today, she's the most vivacious and alive 4-year-old little person I've ever known. Why God chose to bless me with these amazing people, I will never know. But I am so thrilled that they each hold pieces of my heart...pieces I never want returned to me. I can only hope that I can make them proud and live a life that makes me worthy of them.

So many friends have come in and out of my life throughout the years. I went to a baby shower over the weekend (one of my sorority sisters...she's due at month's end) and I was so envious of her long-time friends. I wish I had some friends that I could say I've had lifelong relationships with. Circumstances largely outside my sphere of control have made it so that, unfortunately, I'm not "super super close" to any one particular grouping of people. I do have, however, lots of good friends near and far, and for them I am so, so thankful. My local girlfriends, my sorority alumnae sisters here in Kansas City, the sisters I was close to in my collegiate sorority chapter, all of my friends from high school and college...they all resonate inside me and I hope that I have been made better and smarter for having known them.

There are several people who hold pieces of my heart that I think of so, so often...people I haven't seen or talked to in years...people whose presence in my life brought me tremendous joy and comfort when it was dearly needed. I miss these people every day, and I think about how wonderful it would be were they to just call me...just to know that they are alive and well and happy...and to ensure that they know that they were and are dearly loved. Although I don't generally mention my personal friends by name, I will in this case. It's important. Scott and Doug, I miss being your "sister" tremendously. Scott, you made me laugh like nobody's business ("Hi! I'm a certified asshole!"). We had an amazing time, and I loved being your "female alter ego." I wish I'd been better at banking the memories so that they'd be easier to recall, but time and age take their toll on memory, unfortunately, and what seems like such a short time ago really has been a long while and I can't see your face as easily now as I once could. Thank you for everything - for spades at the Mezz in Cromwell and for the funny little "David" guy on your PC and for NetCon and for PinkCaddie and for "The Hoss Family" and for steak diane and for dreamscaping and for letting down your very tall emotional walls to let me inside. Thank you for Nancy (I still miss her) and for Aftab and Neil ("let me tell you ONE THINNNNG!") and for standing up for me and for loving me and for being there to protect me whenever I needed a big brother. You are a fantastic person and I hope that you are happy today. Doug, I just miss you. In a very short period of time, I learned so much from you. I learned how to be strong under unfathomably difficult circumstances. I learned how to find incredible humor in the very small things. I learned that sometimes, ignorance and fear, even silent ignorance and fear, can be horribly hurtful. Thank you for huge hugs and "Olive Garden talks" and for handstands in cars and The Abbey and for being there when I was being horribly abused and for being my strength on what was probably the worst night of my life and for helping me to break down my own personal ignorances and for letting me be there for you when you took that hugely courageous step. I only wish that you saw in yourself the beauty I saw in you. I also wish that you'd call me. Curtis has heard story after story about you, and I can just see you and Erin being totally goofy and hilarious together. Attempts to find you on YAHOO! and Google haven't been successful, which frightens me. I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and happy. You deserve that. David, there are three things that I think of each and every day of my life. You are one of them. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you and wish you joy and health and happiness. There's so much to say to you, but that's best left in private, at least for now. What needed to be said, at least for now, was said last March. I got that to you in the only way that I could, and I hope that you and your heart received the message. I hope that time and circumstance will lead us to be friends again. Either way, the piece of my heart that I gave to you remains yours. I hope that you will keep it forever.

This past weekend, my sorority celebrated 154 years in existence. Our celebration was wonderful, and I felt so close to these women. Something most people don't associate with sororities is the "forever factor." Wherever you go, there's a sister. I am not from this area originally, but these women, my sisters from Kansas and Missouri chapters of the same Greek organization, accepted and welcomed and loved me as if I'd come from their chapters too. They entrusted me with their alumnae chapter and believed in and supported me as I led them for three years. I cried during the Ritual Founders' Day service on Saturday, and I cried when one of my vice-presidents broke down as she discussed how she appreciated me (and as she gave me a gorgeous photo frame and beautiful necklace). I was hugged and kissed by many older alumnae and thanked for the contributions I'd made to this chapter. It was a wonderful experience. To hear them say that I'd done a good job...that I'd done right by them...it just made my heart so happy. I felt that the trust they'd placed in me had been proper, and that I'd done them proud. My membership in this organization has been amazing. I've learned so much about the world and about other people by being a part of this very old and very far-reaching sorority. To the women in my alumnae chapter here, thank you so much for your trust and love. And for being my first friends in the KC area and for warm dinners when I was a new mom and for the courage to try new things and step outside my comfort zone. To one sister in particular, who was initiated into our organization when my father was just a small child...thank you for being an unending source of support and for the beautiful sapphire badge and for amazingly yummy bread and for being the kind of sister I want to be. To the women of my collegiate chapter back home, especially Jennifer and Amy, I miss you so much. Thanks for loving me, girls.

Here's a shot of the very thoughtful gift from my vice-president: