Aleve? Are You KIDDING Me?!

Hi kiddos. It's not been a good last 72 hours for your Jennifer. For about the last two weeks, I've been having some very mild lower-back pain. Think pre-menstrual pain (sorry, fellas...just think about a crampy pain in your lower back and you'll get it). Not super painful, but annoying enough to bug me. I'd pop a Tylenol or an Aleve and back to life I went. No problem, right? I figured that maybe I'd pulled something putting up our Christmas tree or that maybe I was having some residual pains from breaking my tailbone earlier this fall. That all changed Wednesday night. I bent forward just slightly to empty the dishwasher and a HUGE wave of violent pain shot through my lower left back. Same place I'd been hurting on and off for the last few weeks. I actually yelped aloud and couldn't empty the dishwasher....or sleep, or walk well or stretch or lift Erin up for a snuggle. So I ate Aleve (three of them) and Tylenol 8-Hour (two of them, just three hours after taking the Aleve) and got absolutely no relief whatsoever. I tried all of the "suggested home remedies" posted on medical websites to alleviate back pain (pressing a bag of frozen veggies against the ache, massage, hot shower, etc.) Curtis even rubbed Icy-Hot on me. Nothing worked. About mid-day yesterday, the pain started working around toward my lower left front (think ovarian location, ladies). And it got worse. Immediately I lost any thought that this pain was "just a pulled muscle" and after dinner and some Christmas shopping last night (priorities!), I headed to the ER. Almost immediately, the focus of both the doctor and my nurses was that I had a kidney stone or a kidney infection. Urine and bloodwork both disproved those theories. Then the focus changed to something more scary - ectopic pregnancy or ovarian cysts. I have suffered from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) for ages now, but the cysts have never caused me any pain. Lower back pain is a symptom of PCOS, so it made sense that that could indeed be the problem. The whole notion of having an ectopic pregnancy just scared me senseless. That's a child...a little person. Someone whose life would never come to be. And I just cried. Cried and cried and cried. Cried because I was afraid that my child would die. Cried because I was horrified to undergo another operation. Cried because I just didn't know what the hell was going on. And then the real fun began. Without being too graphic, I'll simply say that after one foley catheter, one pelvic ultrasound, and one vaginal ultrasound, we were no closer to finding out what was wrong with me than we were when I first walked in. In sum, I passed every test they gave me. No kidney problems. No bladder problems. Not pregnant. No visible ovarian cysts. No fluids from ruptured ovarian cysts. No pelvic masses. Hormone and electrolyte levels all good. Good - healthy Jennifer. Bad - suffering Jennifer and no one knows why. So my doctor decides to send me home with (sit down, folks, this one'll blow you over) Aleve. Yes, boys and girls, that fun and exciting over-the-counter drug that did NOTHING for me when I took it initially is now what I'm sent home with. That's when the scared and exhausted Jennifer (did I mention it was 1:30 a.m.?) became the pissed off Jennifer. I'd made it abundantly clear that Aleve DID NOT WORK FOR ME. I was furious. By this time, there'd been a change in the nursing shift and the one nurse who worked most closely with me (who was an absolute doll and the best part of this entire experience) had gone home. She was replaced by the Nursing Nazi! I asked the Nursing Nazi for some additional meds...at least to get me through the night so that I could actually sleep. A muscle relaxant, perhaps? Nazi's response? "Well, I'm sure if the doctor thought a muscle relaxant was indicated, he'd have written you a prescription for one. But I'll ask, I guess." Damned right you will! I did not just spend three-and-a-half hours of my life being poked, prodded and invaded for you clowns to send me home with ALEVE! I got a stern lecture on the difference between over-the-counter Aleve and the prescription-strength Aleve (or, Naproxen) that my doctor was giving me. The prescription dose, you see, is the equivalent of taking three of the regular, over-the-counter pills. THE SAME FUCKING PILLS THAT DID NOTHING FOR ME! (Get the sense that I was a little pissed here???) She finally came back with a six-pack of (Bud Light) Lortab 5/500 Acetaminophen/Hydrocodone Bitartrate and sent me home. It's now 12 noon and I'm still in pain. It's somewhat milder, and is made less miserable by the fact that this Lortab has me darned near stoned out of my skull (which explains to you why this post probably sounds goofy and rambles...I'm drugged, I can't help it!) So I'll try to follow Doctor Aleve and Nursing Nazi's advice...take the Naproxen faithfully, get it in my bloodstream, and take it easy. But I'll admit that I don't have a whole lot of faith here. And just think, I'll be on a plane in two days! Lovely.

Other than that fun and juicy morsel of information, I don't have a whole lot to share with you. Hope you've all had a good past few days.

I'm off to snuggle up for a nap. Talk to you all later.

-Jen