Just So, So Sad

Hi Everyone.

Well, it's 5:26 in the a.m. and here I am, wide awake. I'm jittery and I can't sleep. My mind continues to race and fret and spirit prays constantly for the people affected by Hurricane Katrina. Although I've intentionally refrained from blogging about this until now, it's been predominant in my thoughts and prayers all week. The media's bombarding us with continual feeds and images of what's going on down there, and nearly every time I see or hear about this, I just curl up inside myself. I guess a good comparison to the way I am feeling now is the way I felt after 9/11...powerless, horrified, unclear about the world or the "people" in it. I feel grossly selfish saying and feeling all of this, given that the only person I know in Louisiana is in Baton Rouge and is just fine, thank God. Why does something that isn't affecting me on a personal note causing me to hurt and turn inside so much? The disaster end of it all is bad enough, but nowhere near as bad as the way these people have turned on and are abusing one another. The callous disregard for life and the property of others for purely selfish means...God, I just can't fathom or stand it. Sometimes, I have a hard time seeing "the big picture." I get hung up on this or that detail, and it's hard for me to see the total impact of a situation or an event. Not this time. It's all clear to me, and all that resonates in my mind is that there is no hope...no chance that these people can ever return to "normal" lives and no chance that this once popular city will ever be again what it once was. I know in my head that's not true (FINALLY the government is sending in the necessary personnel to take back the city from those frighteningly disgusting creatures who have overtaken and destroyed what's left of it), but my heart just doesn't quite get the message. To hear the stories of those who have lost everything hurts enough, but dear God, the "human" behavioral end of it (and believe me, I use the word "human" exceptionally loosely here) just sickens me and makes me ache like I haven't ached in a long time. You know, we've spent so much time and money and energy and and have given so much of ourselves, both as a people and as a government, to protect ourselves from outside terrorists. But yet, we can't even protect ourselves from each other. And truthfully, that's the most disgusting thing in the world to me. I counter this with the amazing and beautiful relief efforts that are popping up all over (see here and here and here and here and here, for a few of many examples). On a personal note, three friends of our family are on their way from Indianapolis to New Orleans as we speak, supplies and gasoline in tow, in an effort to help and to relocate family from the tragedy to the safety of Indianapolis. Please, everyone, pray for Neil and DJ and Chris (yes, I know I said I'd never mention names in my blog, but this time, well, an obvious exception is warranted). To know these brave, selfless people and to see the efforts of those like them around the world just makes me so proud. It's the one thing (well, next to my family and friends and our health and safety) that makes me feel safe and "OK" right now. Undoubtedly I'll cry about this for a long, long time. And pray and worry. And probably have many other mornings where I awaken too soon and pray and worry, much like today. Please, my friends, keep all of the people and animals affected by this tragedy in your heart and prayers...them and the brave and courageous rescue workers who are trying to save lives, reunite families, and restore order.

(No more about this right now...I do NOT want to cry!)

What else can I tell you about?

Erin's birthday is right around the bend. I can't believe my little princess will be (*GASP*) FOUR YEARS OLD this month! Where has the time gone? I know every parent says/thinks this about his or her child, but Erin is just beautiful. She's so, so funny and loving and amazing and smart and, well, just wonderful. What a blessing she has been to me and to our family. None of us ever thought that a baby would come, thanks to my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that failed to respond both to medication and surgery. But God saw fit to bring this beautiful little angel into our lives, and what a joy she has been to all of us. She's spending the weekend with Curt's parents, which will be nice for Curtis and I...will give us a chance to get some housework done (and me, the chance to study for my PHR exam...this is KILLING me, people! Why did I think I could do this? And how did I survive college and graduate school??? *laugh*) Anyway, back to the birthday. We've had relatively big and involved birthday parties for her in the past two years. I think we'll do this one a little lower-key...just her close friends and our family (versus every kid of every friend and sorority sister!) Mom and Dad will be here from Indianapolis, which will be great. More on this to come. :)

The situation at work gets better and then it gets worse...just choose the day. This week, one of the very senior management officials who was responsible for the considerable grief we suffered actually apologized to us, which was quite fantastic. It meant a lot, actually (and I told her so). The mis- and lack of communication still abound, but for that one sweet moment in time, it made me feel like for ONCE, we were heard. The BRAC buzz is still all around us. Someone at one of the non-BRAC'd sites actually said to me (when I asked how she was doing during a phone call), "Probably much better than you guys are!" How exactly does one respond to that sort of sentiment? (*sigh*) Anyway, I'm beginning to look for another job again. When this nonsense first began, I was all about trying to find something new and "getting the hell out of Dodge." Then, I backed off a bit, thinking that I'd ride out the storm and wait for "that perfect job that reached out and grabbed me." Now I see that the time window between opportunity and "market flooded with displaced DoD employees looking for work" is getting smaller by the millisecond, so I'm back out on the job path. On Monday, I put in for a GS-12 Employee/Labor Relations position with a non-DoD Federal agency in downtown Kansas City. So we'll see. Cross your fingers for me.

I have a ton of new Stampin' Up cards to upload and share with all of you. Wish I'd brought the camera down here in the basement with me when I came down! Maybe tomorrow or later today. We'll see.

Well friends, it's now 6:08 in the a.m. and I'm off. Going to try to get some more rest and crawl back into bed without awakening both my spousal unit and our canine. :) Have a wonderful day, everyone. Much love to all of you who suffered through and actually READ this long, long, long blogpost. May warm chocolate chip cookies fall from the skies STRAIGHT to you!