"This Too Shall Pass..."

"This too shall pass. This too shall pass." Note to self - keep repeating this mantra over and over and over. Either you'll eventually believe it or your voice and breath will both give way, both of which causing what one can only hope to be peaceful silence...

Hi everyone. This has NOT been a good last few weeks for me. This week was tough. I've been sick on and off, and that always complicates any professional or personal challenge I may face. The BRAC Commission solidified its vote this week, and I've intentionally kept myself ignorant about it. Unlike many of my work friends and colleagues, I didn't keep my eye peeled to C-SPAN and the BRAC website looking for any tiny morsel of information. I did that deliberately. I am not in a position, emotionally or professionally, to be able to withstand another round of BRAC-induced sadness and worry. Those of you who've read my blog know what I went through. I just honestly figured I'd lay low, let the news flow as it flowed, and, well, deal with it when there was an "it" to deal with. Well, that ideology stuck until yesterday, when I spent the day drowning in sinus hell and all the while, knowing that the vote on my very agency's demise would be taking place at that same exact time. So yes, OK, I gave in and watched the C-SPAN channels, both television and online. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I haven't decided yet) the news was not posted in either venue before I heard about it from my mother. While the Commission did make a few changes in which sites of my agency would be targeted, Kansas City remained on the list and will go forward for further review by Mr. Bush. The way I am feeling today is exactly what I wanted to AVOID feeling. It's emotionally exhausting seeing something that you love collapse all around you and knowing that all the while, you're powerless to do anything positive to change things. I've said before, both here in my blog and aloud to my friends and family, that I know this is "meant to be" and that God is trying to get my thick head to believe that something better and more meaningful awaits me in the future. And, really, that I should view this with excitement. It's a chance to explore something new, charter a new path, and begin a new chapter in my professional life. My head knows all of this. Why, then, does my heart just not get the message? It's very easy when you're giving a blessing (as was I...an amazing, very well-paying job with fantastic benefits) to get very accustomed to that blessing. The thought of having to start over someplace new, potentially outside my field of expertise, is just scary to me. Would we lose our home or our vehicles or our way of life were I not to find another GS-12 position? No, of course not. But things would change. And I don't want them to change. I hate that HR, age-old rhetoric about "change is good" and "change is positive." Sure it is...when we're talking about a scientific or technological advancement and betters/saves lives. And, too, probably this change is good, too. It's giving me a probably much-needed kick in the ass to move forward with my life. But I'm scared and sad and really hate all of this. It's a life-changing experience. Not one of my better ones, either (i.e., when I graduated high school and college, took my internship, met and later married Curtis, had Erin, etc. etc. ad nauseum). Please, friends, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. God knows I could use them. I feel almost selfish asking that of you. There's a major war going on and there are millions of people subjected on a daily basis to violence, war, strife, rape, starvation, mutilation...the list goes on. But if it's OK, I'd like to be selfish just this once and ask for prayer for me.

As if this BRAC nonsense wasn't enough, there are two other major things going on at work that just dishearten me. Without giving too many identifying details, I'll simply say that one instance involves a very senior management official. Another involves other high-grade HR colleagues not co-located with me. Both have taken projects of mine (that have meant so much to me and involved so much of my energy/love/time and those of my boss and local colleagues) and destroyed them. In both cases, these individuals lacked both the personal and professional courtesy of advising myself and my colleagues of the direction these two initiatives, unbeknownst to us, were taking. My oral response to my boss and colleagues?

"Why in the hell do we even bother?"

I mean, I know why we "bother." Because the Department of Defense pays me a GS-12 level salary to "bother." But there has to be more to life than this. We worked so, so hard on these initiatives, both of which we were given ownership of and both of which we gave our hearts and souls to. It's disheartening, to say the very least, to see hard work and efforts to better a process raped and pillaged like these have been. I've always held dear to the fact that working in HR has been meaningful. That I've given people jobs, authored processes that managers have implemented to change agency business practices for the better, led groups and given training that's positively improved performance, both personal and agency. And I want to believe that's true. But when I have experiences like this, I just sit back and wonder. Is it all worth it? Wouldn't my energies be better spent actually contributing to an effort that needed me? Appreciated me? Or, here's a fun and exciting thought, where I actually help change people's lives for the better?

Hmmm...anyone else recognize the signs blaring RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME? They're neon, obnoxiously bright, and painfully obvious. Now just remind me to keep looking at them, ok?

And while this is all going on, I'm growing concerned that I may be developing Shingles. My father had it many years ago, and I probably should talk with him about it for some insight. In my left-most part of my left thigh, I've had slight twinges of tingly, burning pain. I had this exact same feeling (but MUCH, much worse) in 2000 after I had a major surgery. No one seemed to know what was wrong with me. The idiot ER physician didn't even think that it might be Shingles, but all of the other signs were there (except for the rash, which, oddly, is missing again this time). They say that a compromised immune system and stress are strong triggers of the disorder. And in 2000, I'd had a major surgery and was suffering from post-operative pneumonia (compromised immune system, anyone?) and now, well, the stress level is high, high, and high. So we'll see. The pain's very minor and comes in very tiny doses very far apart, thank goodness. I am hoping this won't flare up like it did before. God, that was horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. It hurt me so bad, I couldn't lay down to sleep for two weeks. I had to sleep sitting up. (*sigh*) Because all of the research on Shingles that I'd ever read always indicated a rash was part of the symptomatic pattern of the disease, I was really wondering if maybe the pain was all in my head (or symptomatic of another condition). However, I learned today that Shingles can manifest itself in a non-rash manner. This disorder is called Zoster Sine Herpete. If any of you are familiar with this or have ever suffered from it, I'd sure love to talk with you. Please leave a comment at the end of this post or send me an EMAIL. My address is inconspicuously hidden in the right-most portion of this blog. Scroll all the way down.

Through all of this, my amazing family and friends remain by my side supportive and understanding. Lucky, lucky me to have their love and support. No - not "lucky," I'm blessed.

(While we're talkin' about family, little Maggy's got a nasty little bump on her right flank. It started out white and small, and now is red/maroon and is showing through her beautiful little shiny black fur. Looks like we'll be making a trip to see Dr. Vodraska tomorrow at the Gardner Animal Hospital. Please keep my little Goo-Dog in your prayers!)

Anyway, in more fun and upbeat news, I got a wonderful EMAIL message from Holly Laury about the cards I've been making:

From: "Holly Laury"
Reply-To: xxxx@xxxx.xxxx
To: xxxx@xxxx.xxxx
Subject: [Flickr] Your cards!
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2005 04:08:59 +0000 (UTC)

You've been sent a Flickr Mail from Holly Yvonne <><:

Jennifer,
I have to tell you that I think your cards are some of the most beautiful I've seen! And I have gotten so much inspiration from you!!!

And that is why I want to invite you to join my group, Rubber Stamped Greeting Cards.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/rubberstampedgreetingcards/

The only rule in our group is that your cards be made with rubber stamps of some kind! Any extra embellishments are just a bonus!!!

So come check us out, and if you like what you see, send a request for an invite, and I will get it right out to you!!

Hope to hear from you soon!!
Holly

Wow! I am really enjoying making homemade cards, which I've blogged to you about in the past. What a nice message. Sure was a glimmer of joy in a gloomy, ugly week. If you're a stamper, too, please let Holly know and post your photos so that you can join this group, too! Also, please check out her cards, too. She's a great cardmaker!

On the crochet thread, I've finished one of the two shawls I'd promised to make for . The other one, well, I've got quite a ways to go! I really need to get back to it.

I've developed quite the addiction for the Naked Chicken Tenders at BW-3's. Quite tasty, especially with a dollop of their Sweet BBQ sauce. YUM! I'm sure they're not very fattening, but I've got an EMAIL in to BW-3's corporate office in the hopes of getting more nutritional information. (Read: Jen needs to know how to convert her yummy new addiction into Weight Watchers points!)

Thanks for sticking it out and reading this e-x-c-e-p-t-i-o-n-a-l-l-y L-O-N-G post. Hope that you all have a wonderful Friday night!