Welcome Home, Jennifer

Hello, my dear friends. I’ve missed you. To say that it’s been a crazy, strange last few months would be, well, the understatement of the century. I’ve got much to share with you all, but before I do, there’s something I need to say. To all of you, my most sincere of apologies for the long lag time between this and my last post. And a special apology to my sweet Blog Sister Robyn, with whom I’ve been out of touch for so long. We were just starting to chat and get to know one another when my life took this surprising and strange twist and I got offline for a while. I’m back now. I hope the welcome mat’s still rolled out for me.

Gosh, I don’t know where to begin. Before I do, let me preface this with a quick statement. Life’s not been as bad as my gloomy previous paragraph has made it appear. It’s actually been pretty good. Busier than usual, but good. But something significant did indeed happen during this time period and I’ve been, well, experiencing a wave and shift of emotions. Oh, what the hell...let me just stop talking in rhymes and spill it all out for you...

If you’ve read my blog, you know that I work in human resources for a Federal agency. I’ve been secretive regarding which agency it is, and will remain that way, but I will share with you that my agency is part of the Department of Defense. Earlier this month, the DoD released a “BRAC list” - a listing of military and civilian Federal installations recommended for realignment or closure (“Base Realignment and Closure” is the formal title of this process, hence “BRAC” as the acronym). Anyone who has ever worked for the Federal government knows that there’s always talk about closing...especially in today’s fun-filled outsourcing and re-sourcing environments. I wasn’t a stranger to BRAC. Fort Benjamin Harrison, where I was born and raised and spent the majority of my life, was closed in the early 1990s. It absolutely broke my heart to see the little post that I’d called home for so long be taken from us. No longer would we have this tiny, cohesive little installation of families and soldiers together. Our historical little base would be gone forever. Even though Daddy was retired by then, he and Mom both worked as Federal civilians on the post, and we were there all the time to shop, see friends, go to church, or frankly, just to drive through it on our way from Point-A to Points -B, -C, or otherwise. It was a huge and devastating blow. I hated seeing it go. Ten-plus years later, the Federal professional is now me (versus “just the retired soldier’s daughter” that I was then) - and although I’d said for quite some time that I’d be surprised to see my agency continue for ten additional years, I still was completely and totally unprepared to see us listed on the BRAC list. Indeed we were. Not only was my site on the list, the vast majority of my agency was. 23 of 26 sites of our agency - gone. 20 eradicated altogether and 3 scheduled for realignment (with absolutely no explanation of what the hell that meant). I was just dumbfounded. In the weeks preceding the arrival of the BRAC list, of course our site was all-a-tizzy, worried and scared and concerned and contributing actively to (and believing, foolishly) a rampant and wild rumor mill. I was sad then, and scared, too. But we were drowning with work and plans and all of our other regular assignments that, well, I didn’t have the time to get bogged down in all of that hoo-hah. Although I dearly, dearly love my boss (I really do - she’s fantastic...more like a sister than a supervisor), she sent me in her stead the week prior to an HR Directors’ conference wherein all of the agency’s “top secret” plans were unveiled regarding how we’d react once the list was released. In all actuality, she should have gone herself, and it was unfair of her to have put me in that position. (I am so grateful that she did...I mean, I learned so incredibly much, and it felt amazing to be trusted at that level, both by her and by the senior HR staff within my agency, but still...) All sorts of contingencies and “what if’s” were discussed. It was just horrifying to me. Although I hadn’t signed a non-disclosure document (which surprises me - I was certain they’d make me do that), I was still forbidden to discuss anything I’d learned with anyone, to include my mother (who also works for my agency, albeit in a different city). I was on pins and needles, barely slept, couldn’t eat, and was very literally sick. I shook, I cried, I vomited, my stomach was a mess...it was absolutely horrible. And then the list was released. That morning, it was rainy and cold and a general mess outside (a true mirror of my own feelings...funny how those things work sometimes, eh?), and I had taken the morning off to take my sweet Erin to her pre-school readiness testing (she passed - more on that later). By the time that was over, the list was out. I called Mom on my cell and she was shocked, too. “KC’s on the list, Jen” was basically all she could say. I was so frightened and scared and sad and sick. I just didn’t know what to think. (Now, I realize some of you are probably thinking “Christ, Jen...it’s JUST a JOB!” but please understand, I don’t see it that way. This has been my life for the last ten years. TEN YEARS. Although I’ve only been a managerial official for half that time, I’ve still given all of my career post-college to this agency. I’ve traveled all throughout the country, have made more friends and have more strong ties than I can tell you...God...this place has meant the world to me. Had it not been for this agency, I’d never have met Curtis, never have had the life I have now...I just can’t even begin to explain to you how much this has all meant to me. The commitment I have to this agency and its employees is just so strong. And the thought of losing it is, well, heartbreaking). OK...where was I...oh yeah, scared and sad when I’d heard we were on the list. My mind was racing and I feared what I knew lied ahead - employee briefings, tons of unhappy people (directing their displeasure at me), media intrusions, all hell breaking loose, etc. etc. As I approached our building, I was awaiting the swarms of mass media who I was certain would approach me for comment, their cruel cameras and microphones in my face. Surprisingly, the parking lot was silent...cars kissed by the rain and a cloudy, dark sky demonstrating to the world the sadness I felt in my heart. No pushy newanchors, thank God. In the short walk from the parking lot to my office, my mind reverberated the same thought over and over - “Please, God, don’t let anyone see me.” I knew that I’d be required to give the typical Jen-friendly “hello” and smile to anyone I’d pass, and I just didn’t have the heart or the energy to do that. And God forbid someone actually ask me HR questions! Was I still bound to the “keep-your-mouth-shut” provision? What would I even say? I knew that the instant someone smiled and said, “Hi, Jen!” or asked me any kind of question, the dam would break and I’d cry torrential tears. Luckily for me, I made it to the office without incident, and then the tears came. And they came and went and came and went in the weeks since that day. This has been a terrible ride for me. And I feel it doubly because of the position I’m in. I’m not able to be “Jen, the employee” because I’m, by virtue of my position, “Jen, the managerial official.” I think one of the causes of my initial stress and sickness is that I felt I carried a tremendous burden on my shoulders...being required to counsel and support the colleagues and fellow employees here at the site that I’ve come to know and love (some of whom are dear friends). How could I do that, I thought, when I (one) couldn’t even handle my own emotions and (two) didn’t totally understand all of the legalities surrounding BRAC? That alone was worse than the actual self-worry (i.e., “what-will-I-do-now-that-I-have-no-job?”), although, believe me, that was very prevalent in my mind and consuming of my energies. Federal HR is all I’ve ever done professionally. While I thought my life might take me in various different paths (nursing, vocal music, law school), it didn’t. This is the path I chose...that I love...that I am unclear how I’ll live without. It’s scary to think about giving up something familiar and taking a chance on something new. I’ve always admired those folks courageous enough to strike out on their own and start their own businesses. Why haven’t I? Well, beside the fact that I’m a horrible saleswoman, I’m scared. Scared to give up that which is known (i.e., a steady job, good benefits, solid income, etc.) on a chance. Of course, I know that’s not the way to live life. Had people NOT taken chances, we’d not have the amazing world we have...all of the inventions that make our lives easier and simpler and our health and bodies stronger and the like. And, hell, the job I thought would be permanent very obviously isn’t. But still. I have to remind myself that I can do something new...that this time here with this agency has prepared me well for a life someplace else. That this is all God’s way of telling me that someone else needs my strengths and talents. It’s getting easier to be strong, but I definitely vacillate between strong/confident (“I will be just fine!”) and scared to death (“I can’t make it anywhere else!”). Time will be the ultimate author of this story. The BRAC list released this month is a recommended list. As I understand it, both Mr. Bush and the Congress will have their chances to review, comment on, and edit the list. Around the holidays, we should know for certain if we’re scheduled for closure. Until then, the best thing I can do is pray...for myself and for those I love who are also impacted by this. And I need to say this as well. There are numerous people at my site who have been amazingly supportive of me in these past few weeks. They’ve understood my worries, listened to me, encouraged me, and have been, well, just generally wonderful. My amazing boss, the two wonderful women in my office, and the other friends I have here are just fantastic...and are loved very dearly. They were before, but even moreso now. (I am actually getting teary-eyed as I type this.)

Erin’s pre-school readiness testing went so well. She was so excited! She loves seeing her friends get on the school bus at day care, and she always talks about how, when she is a “big girl,” she’ll get to ride the bus and go to school! After a few hours of play observations, hearing and vision screenings, and other various tests (to include two interviews with me), we were off. It was explained to me that there were significantly more children than slots, so that all those children who successfully completed the screening would go into a “lottery” of sorts, with names being selected at random. I’d be notified immediately if we were in or out, the woman assured me. Well, that was weeks ago, and given that (one) I’ve not heard anything and (two) one of Erin’s little friends’ parents have heard that he made it, I’m assuming (three) that she didn’t. Makes me sad. I can just hope that others will drop out or decline the offer and that my little sweetie can go on to pre-school this fall. If not, that’s OK. She’d be going a year early this fall anyway. But she is so, so smart and so amazingly gifted. I want that talent and strength maximized to every extent.

We had our final sorority event of the year this month. It was wonderful to install my new Board for next year, and sad to see the others go. These women are tremendous. Smart, resourceful, dedicated...just wonderful people. I am so honored to be among them. Those who know about the BRAC have been fantastic. When you’re a part of an organization like this...one with so many emotional ties (and such a long, long history), it’s very hard not to feel proud. I’m a better person because of this organization. And to have the trust of these women in leading their chapter...wow. This will be my third (and final) year as their President. It will be a great year. We kick things off this summer with an afternoon of officer training and programming at my house. I am really looking forward to that.

Last week, we went to Las Vegas for a little getaway. It was perfectly timed and was the exact thing I needed to combat all of the insanity in my life as of late. Curt’s office goes out there a few times a year for business, and many times, the guys will bring their wives/girlfriends along for the ride. It’s never worked out for me to get to go, but it did this time. Let me tell you, I am so, so glad it did. I needed that more than I could ever say. What I didn’t need was the heat. Good GOD, they built that place on the SUN! But it’s amazing and insane and I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it! I’ve never really seen anything quite like Las Vegas. It’s so busy and active and WILD and there are so many people and lights and...wow...it’s just so, so alive. We managed to cram a lot of fun activities into a few short days. The hotel we stayed at was gorgeous, as were the numerous other casinos we saw (Paris/Las Vegas, New York, New York, Caesar’s Palace, the MGM Grand, and the Luxor). If you ever get the chance, make SURE you see the Blue Man Group perform. They were simply fantastic. Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic! Also, make sure you head over to Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville for dinner! The Hoover Dam is beautiful, and I absolutely loved shopping (rather, browsing) at all of the ritzy, swanky stores at The Forum Shops at Caesar’s Palace, to include Louis Vuitton and Kate Spade. While I “tried on” (in their big mirror, really!) two gorgeously expensive Vuitton bags, I didn’t come home with any (somehow, paying $1850 for a purse is, well, not practical to me!). My husband did offer to buy me a beautiful $300-ish bag from Kate Spade, but I turned him down graciously (I have a toddler and a home...I need that $300 for other things...like my Stampin’ Up show this weekend...KIDDING!). All in all, the trip was fantastic, save the heat and the THREE delayed flights I experienced on the way TO Vegas (damned connecting flights!), but the trip came at a perfect time and it was wonderful to have some “alone time” with my fantastic husband. No BRAC worries, no responsibilities, no commitments. Just me and my husband and an amazing, wild city to call our own.

Oh, and by the way, I am plum, plum crazy about Bo Bice. Although Carrie Underwood has a beautiful voice, Bo is triple the performer with quadruple the talent. I’ve never really gotten the whole “American Idol” thing until this time around...probably because none of the performers have grabbed me like Bo has. I have absolutely no doubt that he’s destined for greatness. I can’t wait to have his first album in my hot little hands (and downloaded onto my MP3 player!). The rumor mill says that he and his lovely girlfriend are expectant parents. If that’s the case, congratulations to my Bo! Blessed be your new little one.

Carlos Mencia’s on his way back to Kansas, thank GOD. Can’t wait to see him again.

This will be a busy weekend! My girls are throwing their second, ahem, “adult toy party” on Friday night and we’re so, so excited to go and have a good time! (By the way, these are the same girls who work with me and who took me out the week after the BRAC list was announced and made me laugh harder than I’d laughed in, God, I don’t know how long. They’re fantastic and they are adored more than they know.) My Stampin’ Up party is this Saturday, so please, EMAIL me with your orders and I’ll make sure your stamps and stampin’ stuff all arrive at your doorstep safely and in good condition! By the way, check out my new section of Stampin' Up-related links here on the right side of my blog!

With that, I think I’ll close shop. Hope that you’re all doing well and that you are healthy and happy. Stay tuned, friends. Your Jen is back with, I’m certain, more to say.

Ta!